Tuesday, December 6, 2011

"Because you're an idiot?"

There comes a time when you realize that you are not enough. That some people think fondly of you and some people don't, and that sometimes, you've been human and fucked up enough to change their opinion of you from one way to another. Sometimes, if you give it enough time and effort, they'll change their minds back. Sometimes they won't.

I've never been good in these situations. When you're a girl, they start about the age of 4 (which might be why I never want a 4-year-old classroom, because the mean girl syndrome would be the death of me). I was never an alpha girl. The lead "Heather" if you will. I was always more of the Veronica. The girl just outside of the alpha circle, that didn't realize she had enough power and self conviction to be better than she was.

In a lot of ways, I'm still that person. The problem is that it doesn't always occur to me that while I'm living life for me that I sometimes rub others the wrong way. Sometimes, I'm doing all I can do to hold myself together, and I can't concentrate on other people or their feelings at that exact moment. It's hard, because I'd like to think that I can be a good friend. But lately, I'm back to doubting my ability to emotionally connect with my peers. Because ultimately, I exist in some kind of shadowed periphery. I like it there. It's safe and camouflaged, and I don't get burned so often.

It's when I come out and try to enjoy the sun that I usually find myself entirely overwhelmed. I start to make mistakes. People's feelings get hurt, and I realize I never should have crawled out of my lonely hold to begin with.

On the other hand, maybe I just like to think of myself as a Veronica because she wore awesome vests and ended up as Spock's Mom. Unfortunately, there were far too many ugly situations for her along the way. But she did date some amazingly cute men...

No comments: