Mommy abuse

My child is spoiled. It's not because he's the only one. It's because up until recently his requests have been pretty low key and totally in the realm of reasonable. Go to the library? -- Sure! Have a piece of sugarless gum -- Sure! Watch a softball game together? -- Why not? Read you a book? Of course. Watch Scooby Doo with you while eating popcorn? Love to! Visit a Firehouse after school and see the trucks? Why not? It's on the way home.

So, when you go for several years getting pretty much the okay to do things, you expect it to continue, right?

But when your requests start becoming dodgy (like wanting to live off Pirate Booty or cut up random things around the house with kitchen scissors) -- and Mommy puts on the brakes, two different kinds of ugly behavior come from my four year old: either the world suddenly ends OR the gauntlet is thrown and war of wills is declared.

And it'll last for HOURS, the whining and complaining. I thought it was bad today, until tonight when we went from constant tantrum to ultra frustration. Giving choices doesn't seem to help. Trying to talk rationally won't work in the middle of heated tantrum because he's not ready to not be all raw and emotional about everything.

Tonight, he was so mad at me, he pretended to shoot me. I got hit or punched several times. He bit my left arm. He threatened to have me thrown in jail or thrown in the garbage and hauled away. (Can you tell he was really mad?)

I asked him not to do something. I explained why I didn't want it done and then asked if he understood what I was asking. He said he did. And then he did it again. I told him that if he did it one more time, I'd take away his Wonder Woman lunchbox of superhero figurines. He freaked out -- and 30 seconds later did what I asked him not to do. So, I snagged the lunchbox and put it up, and, thus, the war began.

After receiving the repeated physical abuse while trying to get him to reset, I declared I was done and marched up to my room, shut and locked the door. He spent 10 minutes throwing himself at the door And then said very plainly, "Please open the door. I want to tell you I'm sorry."

It took 45 minutes to get us to that point. So, I opened it. He ran in and sat in my lap and said he was sorry and hugged and kissed me. Then we left it alone. And the last words he said to me before falling asleep in his tent on the air mattress were, "You're okay, Mommy. You're okay." Then he patted me on the shoulder and fell asleep.

I know he's four and an emotional nut case right now developmentally. I pick my battles carefully. But it seems like there are more and more unreasonable protests coming from the other side lately. I keep trying to emphasize the positive actions, but he seems so quick to do the negative ones all the time. It's frustrating me. It's frustrating him. I'm so effing tired of dealing with it.

Sigh

I picked up X-man from school today to find out that he bit a friend within the first 10 minutes he was in the room this morning. Thus ending a 6-month, non-biting period for him.

When I talked to him about it in the car, he said the other child hit him in the nose. He told his friend not to hit. The friend did it again. So he bit back. I have no idea if what he's telling me is true, but to my knowledge he's never openly lied to me. 

Is it wrong that I miss the mechanics of a 2-year-old room? I miss the Turtles where kids didn't call my son an ogre and tell him he was bad or that he ruins everything. He's trying so hard to fit in with a bunch of kids he doesn't know. 

Anyway, I told him that if someone hits him, he should shout, "FRIENDS DON'T HIT!" as loud as he can. I'm hoping it'll draw attention to the situation from all sides and embarrass the bullies. The teacher did say that they have some near 4 year olds who are starting to push around the smaller children. 

I know teachers have their hands full. I just wish things didn't have to be that way for them. But now I know that in 10 months, my kid is probably going to be shitty to other kids too. 

And that makes me sad. 

Things I know

1. It took until 11:00 p.m. tonight for X-man to fall asleep thanks to Mother Nature's noise and light show. So it was 2 hours and 15 minutes of me lying around kissing 2-month-old boo boos that aren't there any more and having a 2 year old roll on top of me saying, "Hug, Hug, Hug." 

2. Thanks to a certain sonic screwdriver I now know that my son only has 1/2 of his upper 2nd year molars through. It's like the sharper, deeper edge on both sides of his mouth have poked through the gums, but the "lesser" edge on both teeth haven't. 

3. I told X-man's teachers that he's been putting everything in his mouth. They watched him today and he continued the behavior there. Going so far as to put his shoe in his mouth while they were getting undressed to go swimming today. Then when Ms. Holly told him that shoes aren't for chewing and had him put them away, X-man returned to the rug and started chewing on his toes, instead.

4. I was finishing up some scrapbooking pages tonight while X-man watched Elmo's World (a recent find for me at the Champaign Public Library since we don't have TV). This particular one had an episode about teeth. X-man went into the bathroom and got his toothbrush wet, brought me the Thomas the Tank Engine tooth paste and brushed his teeth and chewed on his toothbrush for the entire segment. Then he wanted to watch it again.

5. X-man came over to look at my scrapbooking photos. He pointed out Dada and Papa and Lightning McColin and Bubba. Then he picked up my sharp scissors. I quickly said, "No." and asked for them back. His grip tightened. I asked more firmly. He said, "No. Mine." I told him they were dangerous and that I was taking them back. After I got them away from him, X-man LUNGED at my legs with his mouth open as if to bite me as I stood up to take them to my desk area to put them away. I got the scissors to a safe place, picked him up and put him in his red chair and told him the whole teeth are not for biting routine. That it was unacceptable, mean and dangerous. He avoided making eye contact. I asked him if he was angry. He stayed quiet. I asked him if he knew what angry was. And he furrowed his brow and said, "Angry!" and growled (remind me to send a thank you to Cuba Gooding Jr. for his performance on Angry on the Sesame Street Podcast). 

"X-man are you angry with Mama?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"You took them there. Mine. You took. Mine."

We talked about using our words. We talked about danger. We talked about Mommy's stuff versus Xander's stuff. We talked about feeling safe. We hugged a lot. We kissed a lot. 

All the literature I read gives "biter" identities. The exploratory biter that's learning through his senses. The power biter that feels like he doesn't have any control to make choices. The frustrated biter that doesn't know how to deal with emotionally charged situations, etc.

What if my kid happens to have behavioral characteristics that fall into all areas of the biter identities? I hate puzzles that I can't solve. And getting into the mind and thoughts of a 2 year old isn't easy. I just keep hoping that consistent messages from me, open communication and time will win out. 

The dreaded reality

I am the mother of a biter. 

It doesn't happen at school. It only happens when he spends time with me and his playgroup. 

I know biters aren't "bad kids." They just can't communicate their emotions well enough to negotiate on a playground, which is normal during the toddler years, blah, blah, blah.

But what I'm internalizing this as is a big part of my own personal failure as a parent.