The second item I've been turning over in my mind is related to how there appears to be a cultural divide between those that are small and those that are large.
Being a woman who used to think about pointing her car at skinny runners on the street who were all perky and perfect at 6 a.m. running while I endured an hour-long commute into the city for work... I'll be honest. I thought I was part of the "out" crowd as an obese person. I just figured it was because I hated the fact that they figured out how to work exercise into their schedule and I didn't. I was angry that they were pointing out something I couldn't find in myself and, on those really shitty weather days, I just thought they were plain crazy or vain.
Funny, now that I'm on the flip side, I still completely understand the drive to run over the perkily fit, even as I start to get used to the idea that most people consider me one of them. It's like seeing a broader picture and knowing that I've played several different roles. I was never lazy while I was obese. I just channeled my energy and time into different things. Now, the food planning and exercise comes first for me. But I am still just me -- the same person I was before.
So I don't know how to respond when suddenly someone I don't really know includes me in a skinny girl conversation. Nor do I know what to do when suddenly I realize I've been ousted from the phat girl conversation. I don't want to be part of the skinny girl club. I don't know that jargon. I'm much more of a phat girl at heart trapped in a smaller body.
The other day I actually ran into someone from my past who has similar weight issues as me. And when her brain processed who I was, I swear she tried to take flight in any direction to avoid me. And it hurt my feelings. Even though I thought I understood why she felt that way. It still sucked. I don't know where I fit. I don't like the different way people look at me. I don't like that even though I'm relatively controlled about what I consume and how I exercise, people assume that I'm some kind of food or fitness nazi.
I actually feel quite alone, like now I don't belong anywhere. Unless there's a formerly phat women's group out there?
6 comments:
Can we hang out in the middle together where we don't have to be in any group. We can talk openly about our issues and not feel any threats about the other person whatsoever. I like that group. I have enough self-consciousness issues to worry about; I would love to not worry about what other people are thinking/analyzing/judging about what I'm saying.
*sigh* yup, that's out there... I saw some people last night that hadn't seen me since last March - that's like 60lbs ago... they nearly didn't recognize me... The inevitable questions of asking what I've done came up, but from being on the other side I have a feeling it's a jealousy/envy thing that the other people don't know how to deal with, or if it's someone who's always been a "skinny" person and is new to you they probably just don't know/understand what you've been through... We'll all get used to our new lives eventually I expect - I can tell ya one thing, I like it better on this side than the other :-)
What is "skinny" girl conversation?
Let's try that again, brain wobbly at 6 a.m.
skinny girl A: "You look so much different. You're so tiny."
skinny girl B: "Seriously, every time you come in here you've shrunk."
Loosey: Smiles shyly.
skinny girl A: "How much weight have you lost?"
Loosey: "A bit over 60 lbs."
skinny girl B: "Wow, that's amazing. You know in college at my heaviest I was almost 170 lbs. I cannot believe I let myself get that heavy. It was ridiculous. I was a porker."
My weight during the time this conversation took place 178. Skinny girl B is also around 5'9.
You belong to the group of strong women who REALLY do NOT judge books by their covers. Who are smart enough not to self-identify according to whether their friends are big, small or somewhere in between. Who are going to honor your commitment to becoming healthier, and celebrate your accomplishments without jealousy or judgment. Who will love you just the same and support you even more if the scale's numbers climb back up. And I have a feeling you have lots of those friends... You seem to have encountered lately the many, many others who are going to have to decide if they can be that kind of friend to you... and you will have to decide, too. :-)
p.s. I think I would have told Skinny girl B what my weight was so that she could learn keep her skinny mouth shut. LOL.
I know weight loss is an emotional and mental issue, but try thinking of it more as an interest or hobby. My best friend and I bonded over our joint weight loss in college - no one else was that interested in what we were eating or what kind of exercise we did.
I don't have a lot of friends who are as interested in fitness as I am. So when I do find someone who enjoys working out I am always interested to hear about what they like to do, what works for them, etc. It's really not about fat/skinny all the time, sometimes it's just about a shared interest in a healthy lifestyle.
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