Motivation

I keep thinking about what a spoiled woman I am. How I keep working at self improvement trying to become a better woman, better friend, better lover, better student, better mother... I know that other people face much steeper hills to climb. They were not born with the same advantages that I was. And yet, often times, I still feel like I'm about to drown, like I'm coughing up water and worn out. Worse yet, I feel all alone.

Then something good happens. And I recognize it as a positive, but the brilliance of it is dimmed by my doubt, worry and my lack of self esteem. How can I possibly be the bad ass they say I am when I feel so small and fragile? How can I project that persona when all I feel is a void?

I lower my eyes so I don't do that wicked thing -- comparing. I lower my eyes so I don't have to engage. I sit in the shadow of those who recognize the brightness of their own lights because I am happy that they glow. They're warm and encouraging people to be around.

But most of the time, I don't feel like I have that glow inside. Most of the time, I feel like a big fraud. Most of the time, I understand that the only thing holding me together is the wee bad ass Looseyfur, deep inside, shouting at the top of her lungs that she exists, like some kind of Who from Whoville.

She is part of my brain. She is my favorite part of me. She knows she's not perfect, but she understands herself and others for who they really are. And for her, I will endure and fight and adapt. For her voice raises me in the morning and comforts me at night. She is the necessary spark that will light my flame.