I spent this week being a punching bag for myself. They're not the kind of bruises I can show you. My whole aura right now is highly sensitive and tender. I've been over reacting to everything. I've been critical. I've been harsh. And when I do that long enough to myself, I start to do it to other people. Because, damn it, if I'm all wrong and ugly, shouldn't they be too? I mean really? Freaking perky, happy, effing people.
It is totally a week I can blame on girl hormones and sleep deprivation. Brain chemistry is a curious thing, often, unfortunately, a genetic trait, and recently, I've been looking into taking my education courses and seeing if I can map an educational career with children based on nutrition and fitness, combining my professional interest with my personal devotion. The best option, my most favorite, of course, is to become a Pediatric Dietician. I was always an above average student. I loved chemistry in high school and college. I was good at biology in college. But I never really was into science when I was younger. I mean, I liked animals. I liked nature. But the words Organic Chemistry and Food Science never really turned me on.
Now, they scare me. I'm not sure why. So I'm riddled with self-talk about how I'm not smart enough to complete such a degree before I've even started taking basic pre-requisites. I know I don't fail at everything. I'm actually a very good student. I want to learn -- to learn -- not to get a grade any more, and teachers can tell that about me and appreciate it. I'm smarter and more well-read and aware of the world than the average bear. I'm smarter than a 5th grader. I get that. I KNOW it. But I don't FEEL it. And knowing something intellectually, and feeling valued, worthwhile and brilliant at your core are two completely different things... I'm putting an * here. Remember it.
Finding a program and having it fit to my lifestyle is currently an issue. I'd likely have to do an online program, and I'd have to do it full-time.
I also had to miss the parent/teacher conference about X-man regarding how we can best prepare him if we'd like to consider sending him to Next Generation Primary School. Since X-man was ill that day and finds his greatest comfort in me, I stayed home. I sent MacTroll with my list of observations and issues, and went over them with him, and he came back and told me how the conversation went. But at the same time, I really wanted to be there. I always like to hear things with my own ears.
The teachers sent home a list of things for X-man to work on regarding social/emotional growth. A lot of the issues he might lick by the start of kindergarten, but I'm not sure he'll master by the time they do observations in October... for the following school year. He's particularly intense, our son. And manipulative (my words, not the teachers :-). But we all agree, he has moments of learned helplessness that are a barrier in the classroom.* (Notice the Asterik? Where could he possibly have inherited this trait?)
Academically, though, he's doing pretty well. We have to work on counting to 50 this summer and the fine motor skills that come with writing. I think the more time he spends with the bigger kids in his 4-year classroom seeing what they can do the more driven he'll be to write. Right now he can write his own name -- when he wants to. And he actually does a good job -- when he wants to. When he doesn't want to, he just makes a bunch of mess after an X... kind of like the mess after the J when his father writes his name. He's also beginning to sight read, which has been a lot of fun. He's best at logos and road signs.
I haven't been able to exercise all of this week due to illness, too. I went out at 6 a.m. this morning trying to get back in the saddle, because I know it's going to be gross and hot today. I ran 4 miles, but wanted to do 5, but ended up walking the last one. It wasn't fast. It wasn't fun. But I got it done and burned 650 calories. I'm hoping since MacTroll is, strangely, home for two weeks in a row that it'll be easier next week when no one is sick.
Right now, I just want to be able to get through the day with a little more Loosey-like positivity. I'm hoping the dopamine from the workout will help with that. Because clearly trying to use food to feel good this week made me only feel worse about myself.