Halloween Weekend

On Friday night, we went to the Little Gym for a Halloween Party. MacTroll was Jabba the Hutt. I was Princess Leia, and X-man was Obi Wan Kenobi. The Jabba the Hutt costume actually has a little fan in it that inflates it with air so that even a tiny person can get large. But it's very hard to walk in. MacTroll just hung out in the main area, and a bunch of people came up to him and wanted to have their photo taken with him like he was Mickey Mouse. It was pretty funny.

After the Little Gym we moved on to the Savoy Recreation Center. We saw a lot of our friends there, which was awesome. Special K makes an awesome Ernie. :-)

On Saturday, I went to Decatur to visit my friend Captain McKee for lunch. We had a good time catching up and wondered why we do such a crappy job talking during the week. When I returned, I took a shopping trip to Karen's Kloset, where I found an awesome running shirt, two dresses and a pair of jeans. They're having a big sale next Saturday, Nov. 6 where everything is up to 25% off.

Then after dinner, MacTroll and I got on our costumes and headed out to High Dive to see the Brat Pack play and hang out with Freak and friends. There's something comforting in knowing every song a band plays (mostly late 70s through the 80s). The band was dressed up in Star Wars costumes, as it was a theme. So when "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" came up, I got summoned to the stage by the lead singer who had changed from her Jawa costume to an identical Leia costume.

That was fun. Then when I was up there she asked for Jabba. So we did a Leia sandwich on MacTroll wearing his Jabba costume on stage to "Hit Me with Your Best Shot."

It was something I've never done before. I had only consumed a Diet Coke and it was ever so much fun. We left early because on Halloween morning I had a 5.5 mile trail run to do in Allerton Park in Monticello. It was a ball. Yes, I tripped over a tree root during mile one, and holy hell, there were a lot of hills. But I fall well, as anyone will tell you, and came right out of it without taking anyone else down. So, hooray. But the best part, was that as I'm hearing this lady yell at the person behind me to "go get her" (I'm guessing that means to pass me at the finish line.) I hear a "There's Mommy!" I look over and see MacTroll and X-man. I was so happy. They're never at my races. This was a big deal. I was so happy afterwards, I finished, turned around to find them, sunk to my knees, held my son and got all teary eyed. Seriously. It was awesome to have people there supporting me in something I've always felt so alone doing.

Today, we hung out around the house, which can be verified by it's state of messiness right now. Trick or treating went well. X-man has a ton of candy, and we only went to our neighborhood. Everyone kept telling them to take as much as they wanted, except at one house where the woman said, "Only take one." X-man furrowed his eyes and looked at her and said, "Why?" And the woman said, "Because I said so."

How come it works when she says it? :-)

The Bucket List

Ever since that whole Bucket List movement came about, I've been wondering what items I'd dare put on my list of things to do before I die. The thought was really pretty morbid, so my mind would wander to things that didn't really matter -- like, "I want to visit Paris."

It sounded so bland. Lots of people make those kinds of arrangements. So I'd update it to:

"I'd like to own a beach house in the Caribbean." Okay, that sounds much more lavish and sexy and useful because other people can come visit you. At the same time, that takes a crap load of money that really, I'd rather apply to more common sense things. Why own one, when you can rent one and someone else can take care of the upkeep and hurricane issues? (See, I really am quite practical.)

Next idea, "I'd like to run a marathon." Yeah, right. Your body won't take that. Not unless they have a marathon that lasts over 5 days and you can log a little over five miles a day, so your knee and back get a bit of a break. Try again.

"I want to get a body lift procedure." Okay, not really. Well, kind of. But that isn't common sense at all.

What do you really want?

"I really want to be able to put my body and mind to anything I decide I want to do when I want to do it."

Well, okay, that seems a little selfish. Or is it?

On an airplane you're supposed to put your mask on first before your child's, right? So at what point are you the narcissistic parent who completely ignores your children and doesn't participate in their lives because you've become so obsessed with fulfilling your fantasies that you completely forgot that being part of their lives was once your ultimate fantasy?

The other problem was that this idea takes an extraordinary amount of planning and self control. I have both in spades. But I do not have control over the crap that life throws my way. This I know as a fact. So, you have to reassess and reset your priorities.

"I want to get to the end of my life and have no regrets."

Oooooh, that's a pretty good goal. It doesn't exactly list all the lame things you might want to do, but if you think they're too lame to put on a list, you probably won't regret not doing them. It also lets you take great risks or live as safe as houses, depending on what you want to do.

Way to leave it open ended without the predicability of a checklist... as you can tell -- I have commitment issues with myself. :-)

Finishing Things

I've made a pact with myself that I'm going to get things done this week that I've been putting off.

I have to go pick out flooring for the Loosey-only room in the basement. I don't know why, but my heart hasn't been in it. Then I need to go pick out my paint colors. I also have curtains that I've been meaning to hang for (no lie) two years in the dining room and MacTroll's office and curtain tie backs I never quite got to in the guest room.

We're refinancing our house next month (or at least we're supposed to do it next week when MacTroll is in town). So, we're excited about that. I'm hoping we'll also finally order new living room furniture.

Yesterday, while I was at Target I finally purchased the navy blue kids' nightstands I'd been staring at for three or four months. I also picked up a small replacement full-length mirror for the giant idea one the cats broke when we were in Maine.

It's hard to believe on a day like today when it's going to be 80 degrees and it smells more like May than October that X-man is going to need a winter jacket soon. But I'll let him pick out his own from Target. (It worked last year, right?) I went looking for one at Champaign Surplus yesterday that looked as nice as the Marmot coat I saw in the REI catalog. Alas, they don't carry Marmot and their reds weren't as shiny. So much for keeping it local.

Staying warm and awake

My iron deficiency has been causing me to lose my steam around 12:15 every day. This whole week, I've had lists to get done around the house, and nothing has been happening because I end up falling into bed and sleeping. I set my alarm to wake me up after 30 minutes, thinking (like the books say) that I'd feel refreshed enough to get on with my day. Fat chance. I smacked that alarm off and slept for another hour and 30 minutes yesterday.

The problem with this? I couldn't fall asleep until 2 a.m. last night. I should have gone grocery shopping at Meijer at midnight. Sigh.

Anyway, so right now is my pooped out time. I came upstairs and got into warmer clothes (my deficiency also makes me feel cold) and curled up under the blankets on my bed. Luke was already passed out on my bed. Maya and Nyssa just jumped up. Now Nyssa is warming me up by lying in my lap and Maya is curled into a little furrball next to me. 

The sun is finally shining through the clouds and in the bedroom window (southern exposure). Plus, I just finished lunch. How does a person not nap in these conditions?

My relief is that MacTroll is back home. He's the pumpkin carver in our house, so he's downstairs with X-man making a set of happy family pumpkins, per the kid's request. So, I think I'll just roll over and shut my eyes. 

Last night in the five hours I slept, I dreamt that I was silly enough to sign up and run in the Illinois Marathon. It was nice, they set up a rope for you to run through for every runner, even the one that came in last. :-) The I got up this a.m. and went to the 1-minute body sculpt class at the Rec Center. It was just me, the instructor and one other student. 

Okay, my eyelids are falling. See you after a snooze. 

From bankrupt state to bankrupt state

If you don't know by now, MacTroll works for a large company based out of the Bay area in California. He loves his job and according to his last review, his manager seems to really like him. But a repeating sentence has been being said to him for the last two years, "If you want to move up, you'll have to move to California."

The idea makes me wince. I'd much rather move to the other large corporate location for his company in Austin. No one has made any promises or set any time tables, but MacTroll and I are coming around to the idea that it would probably behoove us to start thinking or accepting the prospect that something might happen sooner or later. I hate suburbs. I hate miles and miles of concrete with people driving on it. I'm either suited for city where people walk and have mass transit or I'm suited for small town. Plus, I hate giant highway systems. Driving 95 on the East Coast used to give me road rage so bad that when I was pregnant and heading from Baltimore to Philadelphia, I almost took out two assholes at the rest area because they couldn't freaking hold a door open for an elderly person with a walker. They just let it slam in her face. Forget please and thank yous. Forget driving less than 80 mph. Forget turn signals. There are just too many damn people -- who appear to feel somehow entitled to ignoring everyone else. Such behavior goes against my midwestern sensitivities. It's no different outside Chicago, though. Or LA. Or Miami. Or any other suburb area I've ever driven.

The Bay area hits me as one big suburb. One big suburb that is overpriced and overpopulated. In November, MacTroll has some crazy conference where he'll be working from 7 a.m. until 2 a.m. every day. Since I'm a single parent most days, I figured it was a good a time as any to get my bearings. So, X-man and I are heading to San José for three days. We'll arrive Sunday and hopefully get some time with MacTroll's brother and his family. Then X-man and I will have Monday to explore. I'm not sure if I'll drive down to Monterey or maybe to Santa Cruz or possibly even just around San José and Santa Clara. I can check out neighborhoods, park systems, crowd issues...

Then on Tuesday, X-man and I were thinking children's museum, IMAX theater and possibly an NHL game that night. We'd fly out of SFO in the morning. (Yes, San José has an airport, but all the seats were full using mileage to get us out there.)

So we'll explore, take pictures, jot down our thoughts and try to have some fun. And maybe, if we're lucky, we'll wake up just enough when MacTroll comes into the room at 2 a.m. and kisses us both on our foreheads.

Living without Self-Love

I'm sitting up tonight thinking about some conversations I've had in the last several months. A couple of them were with people I love very much and one was today with a complete stranger. The conversation topics were different for all three people, but the feelings behind them were very much the same. They all felt completely helpless to make a major change in their lives that they knew would help them lead happier and healthier lives.

I sit through these conversations listening, and, of course, being a person who really believes that in order to survive even the most hostile environment, you have to adapt. If you don't, you end up sinking into the quicksand. Adaption is your rope to safety. These people know that, too. But it's like they've given up. They're lying down and just flailing in the sand. And I feel two ways about it. On one hand there's a desperation and sadness, mostly for the two people I love, but with the stranger, I threw my hands up. She's making a choice to victimize herself. I figure you either get out of the fire or you burn.

Is it a lack of self-esteem? Is it biological? What makes someone repeatedly choose behaviors that they know will kill them? Where did their lust for life go?

I've made some pretty terrible errors in judgment in my lifetime. I've learned some pertinent lessons from each and every one of those situations. I'm not perfect. But the older I get, the more I start to see the triumph in just surviving the crap that life gives you. It sweeps in, knocks you over, and you claw your way up. Then, at least this is the way my life goes, it sweeps in and immediately knocks you on your ass again, over and over and over and over. What happens after the 453rd time it knocks you down and you decide you're not getting up any more? Are you tired? Injured? Depressed? What gets us up and what keeps us down?

I know there are many times when I wanted to stay down. I know I've been an enemy to myself on many occasions with my self doubt, negative speak and worse. Strangely, through all that experience, I never quite got how I could help someone else see themselves in a different light. Part of me understands that they have to make that kind of self-discovery on their own. It can't be taught or provided by someone else.

And I'm sad that I know so many people who appear to be in the same deep holes right now, and that  even though I can listen and love, there's not much else I can do, except hope that they begin to see themselves the way the people who love them see them.

Stupid Food

For the last week and a half I have been "in the box" again at Carle. What does this mean? It means that outside of pre-packaged calorie controlled meals (oatmeal, soup, protein shakes and entrees) I've been eating only fruits and vegetables. I cook them with no oils (Pam is okay). There are also a few very low calorie condiments that come into play. I can eat as much as I want -- as long as my food consists of only those things. At the same time as I've been doing this, I've been taking an emotional eating class.

It's interesting to be in an emotional eating class, while you've pretty much blockaded yourself from the foods that make you binge when stressed. I'm remembering what it's like to use food only as fuel and not as pleasure. At first it felt very strict. Now it feels very liberating. No monkey on my back.

Why am I in the box again. Well, here's the deal. I put a stake in the ground at 165 lbs and swore that if I gained the 10 lbs to get there, I'd do something about it. And it would happen, a few times. Usually, when I had my period. I'd fight my weight back to a 160 for the next three weeks and then fall off the wagon and go back up. It was aggravating, and I was getting tired of the same old fight over a few pounds.

Then I had to stop running, and my body changed, even though my weight didn't change that much. My shoulders and arms are a bit more toned, but my ass -- it got bigger. How do I know this? I couldn't fit in 3 pairs of the jeans I could fit in last year. I couldn't even button them. Grrrr.

So two weeks ago, I went to weigh in and found myself at 170 up from 164.5. Yes, it was the day I got my period. But still, I was horribly frightened. So here I am two weeks later, reporting 163 as my weight. According to math, 4 lbs of it was water weight from that good old monthly bloat. I'm suddenly able to wear one more pair of jeans. Now I just need another 5 to get off so I can fit into my gray cords and my last pair of jeans and I'll feel back on track.

What I'm hoping to get out of the emotional eating class, is how to stay determined to keep out the crap. Because it slowly crawled back in. Unlearning behaviors you've had for 30 years is hard. So rather than beating myself up, I'm trying to adapt.

I'll let you know how it goes.

As for now, I supposedly ran my fastest 5k ever today at a 28:31. But I have to admit I haven't calibrated the Nike plus program with GPS yet. So, um, I'll have to do that tomorrow. Then run another one some other time. But it felt nice to hear. I'm signed up to do the Halloween 5.5 mile trail run at Allerton on Halloween. I'm excited about it. Hope the weather isn't gross.