Sunday, February 7, 2010

Admitting I have a problem

I'm a control freak. The one thing motherhood has taught me is that since I have no control over the big stupid scary things, I want to have control of all the mundane things. So, when I have to relinquish that control to someone else or the world just decides to tilt suddenly and knock me on my ass, I get annoyed. Sometimes I'm in a better mood than other times about it. I realize there's nothing I can do and just go with the flow. I adapt. I evolve.

Other days I get really whiny about it. And I think the whining and feeling sorry for myself completely makes the whole thing worse. Mostly because I like to think of myself as an overall non-whiner. But clearly, I have my days.

On Friday, I'll be turning 34 years old. Thirty three was a year of major emotional weeding and physical change. I'm hoping 34 is instead a year of self-care taking -- that is, I don't want life to be so harsh on my head or my soul. Thirty three pretty much started with mourning my cat, and it's ending with recuperating from my stupid surgery. And in between were many difficult times for my loved ones.

I know that's the way life goes. But if there is any truth to Karma, I'd like to think I send out way more good vibes in the world and I hope that someone out there is desperately benefiting from them. Because around here, I'm still looking at my people who are fighting tooth and nail as they battle with cancer, lose their jobs, have no health insurance, work jobs they hate purely for health coverage, take furlough days, attend to sick kids, attend to sick parents, try to sell their homes in a wacky economy and deal with uber tight household budgets... I feel a kind of dread about the future, which isn't very Loosey-like.

I'm not an Eeyore by nature. So, tomorrow, I'm rolling out of bed, getting dressed like it's a regular day, taking myself to the gym for Body Blast and getting back to being me. Loveable, Laugh-at-able me.

Everyone okay with that? (The answer better be yes. Remember that I know where most of my readers live.)


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