I've armed myself with a lot of information regarding exercise and nutrition over the last two and a half years. There are several facts of science that I find fascinating regarding health. And I look at my weight loss not as a cosmetic change, but as a way to help me stop using food as a crutch as often as I did. But lately (and by lately, I mean the last several months), I've had a hard time digging myself out of this sense of moodiness. I've kind of been all over the place emotionally, so I've been all over the place with my issues with food.
I've been defiant, happy, depressed, needy, stubborn, angry and resentful. I wonder why I can't just put the brakes on the snacking. I wonder why I can't just plan a day of food and follow it. I wonder why I have to wonder at all, since I know exactly what I want to do. But instead, I'm rewarding myself with things I know aren't good for me... in the name of "fun" and "I want to."
So I wonder, as I look at my scale. Have I made peace with being 10-12 lbs higher than I want to be? Or am I beating myself up by eating my anger with myself rather than addressing the issue? Would I like to be back at my goal weight -- yes. Very much so. I like the way my body felt at 160. It seemed happy. I know that even professional athletes have "off season" where they aren't in peak physical conditions. It gives their bodies a chance to rest and recover, and then when their seasons start, they have to get back to it. But my season seems to have lapsed from winter into summer. And it's now more of a constant than an exception. Yes, I still have a Ferritin level of 37. Yes, my doctor would like it to be at least a 50. Yes, my platelets are low (121), and yes, my mean platelet average is slightly high, indicating that my body is building platelets but something in my body is destroying them. I have a doctor's appointment on July 15th, where she'll probably talk with me about the results of my bloodwork further and then send me to the hematologist.
In addition, yes, I have plantar fasciitis. It means some days are good and some days aren't. I've gotten to 3-3.5 mile runs lately, but I always have to insert walk breaks in them to be sure I don't come back to fast. Some days at body attack I rock, other days, I'm constantly in the low impact level.
Yes, there have been emotional issues. I've been alone a lot. My child is either amazing or a hell beast, but I guess I should be somewhat impressed that he's never mediocre. Yes, our dog just died. Yes, one of our cats is peeing in inappropriate places, and it's a behavior thing because after two weeks of antibiotics, he's still peeing, so I'm trying to figure that out.
Yes, I'm starting a new job and on the prowl for classroom resources and ideas.
Yes, I am constantly on the move, as are many of you.
But food on the go, food of convenience that isn't fruit or vegetables are totally my downfall. I snack because I'm stressed. I snack because I'm lonely. It's kind of insane. But at the same time, I'm rationalizing that this is how my life is right now. And I recognize that's a problem. Because it's an excuse pattern that I've used before.
Somewhere around here is that girl who knows how to get her big girl panties on and get it in gear. I just can't see to locate her anywhere. If you see her, will you tell her to put the ice cream down and get her shit together? Because I think she's needing some support and some courage to just say no to a lot of the social eating situations. And that's hard, because I really enjoy them. But I don't enjoy food more than I enjoy my other lipid panel results right now. Because they're awesome.
So, here I am admitting to all of you that I have gained some weight back. I'm at the weight where I'm supposed to put a stick in the ground and use all my knowledge to make good choices to get back where my body wants to be. My brains signals obviously have other ideas, and I need to turn them off. I'm just not quite sure how to do that.