Friday, June 24, 2011

Decisions at a Crossroads

I've armed myself with a lot of information regarding exercise and nutrition over the last two and a half years. There are several facts of science that I find fascinating regarding health. And I look at my weight loss not as a cosmetic change, but as a way to help me stop using food as a crutch as often as I did. But lately (and by lately, I mean the last several months), I've had a hard time digging myself out of this sense of moodiness. I've kind of been all over the place emotionally, so I've been all over the place with my issues with food.

I've been defiant, happy, depressed, needy, stubborn, angry and resentful. I wonder why I can't just put the brakes on the snacking. I wonder why I can't just plan a day of food and follow it. I wonder why I have to wonder at all, since I know exactly what I want to do. But instead, I'm rewarding myself with things I know aren't good for me... in the name of "fun" and "I want to."

So I wonder, as I look at my scale. Have I made peace with being 10-12 lbs higher than I want to be? Or am I beating myself up by eating my anger with myself rather than addressing the issue? Would I like to be back at my goal weight -- yes. Very much so. I like the way my body felt at 160. It seemed happy. I know that even professional athletes have "off season" where they aren't in peak physical conditions. It gives their bodies a chance to rest and recover, and then when their seasons start, they have to get back to it. But my season seems to have lapsed from winter into summer. And it's now more of a constant than an exception. Yes, I still have a Ferritin level of 37. Yes, my doctor would like it to be at least a 50. Yes, my platelets are low (121), and yes, my mean platelet average is slightly high, indicating that my body is building platelets but something in my body is destroying them. I have a doctor's appointment on July 15th, where she'll probably talk with me about the results of my bloodwork further and then send me to the hematologist.

In addition, yes, I have plantar fasciitis. It means some days are good and some days aren't. I've gotten to 3-3.5 mile runs lately, but I always have to insert walk breaks in them to be sure I don't come back to fast. Some days at body attack I rock, other days, I'm constantly in the low impact level.

Yes, there have been emotional issues. I've been alone a lot. My child is either amazing or a hell beast, but I guess I should be somewhat impressed that he's never mediocre. Yes, our dog just died. Yes, one of our cats is peeing in inappropriate places, and it's a behavior thing because after two weeks of antibiotics, he's still peeing, so I'm trying to figure that out.

Yes, I'm starting a new job and on the prowl for classroom resources and ideas.

Yes, I am constantly on the move, as are many of you.

But food on the go, food of convenience that isn't fruit or vegetables are totally my downfall. I snack because I'm stressed. I snack because I'm lonely. It's kind of insane. But at the same time, I'm rationalizing that this is how my life is right now. And I recognize that's a problem. Because it's an excuse pattern that I've used before.

Somewhere around here is that girl who knows how to get her big girl panties on and get it in gear. I just can't see to locate her anywhere. If you see her, will you tell her to put the ice cream down and get her shit together? Because I think she's needing some support and some courage to just say no to a lot of the social eating situations. And that's hard, because I really enjoy them. But I don't enjoy food more than I enjoy my other lipid panel results right now. Because they're awesome.

So, here I am admitting to all of you that I have gained some weight back. I'm at the weight where I'm supposed to put a stick in the ground and use all my knowledge to make good choices to get back where my body wants to be. My brains signals obviously have other ideas, and I need to turn them off. I'm just not quite sure how to do that.


Charles Schultz said...

"There are several facts of science that I find fascinating regarding health."

Care to elaborate? :)

Recently I have been doing a lot of reading about how our body burns food (love the site!!), catching up on CATCH, and learning what our government wants to shove down our throats - the latest thing I read was about fighting Obesity in America, but they jerks want to do with medication! Unbelievable. How about teaching kids the science of food and conveying facts for a change?

Personally what I find hardest is getting down to the bottom line. Our bodies are machines that need fuel. But each body is different in how we absorb, burn and pass what we take in. I find these "2,000 calorie" or "2,500" calorie diets so misleading - am I to assume that my body is perfectly average? And even using the word "calory" burns me up (tongue in cheek). The engineer in me wants to file a grievance on that alone.

The social pressures of image, eating and societal "customs" irk me also. Who decides exactly what 10-15lb overweight is? Why do we eat so much anyway, and who the heck said we had to finish everything on our plate?

Oh well, so much to complain about.... *grin*

Thanks for charging ahead with the blogs.

Looseyfur said...

Honestly, I like the science of eating. I am interested in not only how bodies use food differently depending on their biochemical and neurological differences, but also in terms of the gender issue. I read an article in the NY times recently that was a study with 100 cyclists that were all male that showed how eating protein versus carbohydrates after a rigorous workout helped men's bodies recover and build feed muscle to help them do 7 percent better the next day versus the control group that was not given the protein.

A woman wrote in and asked if it was the same for female cyclists... and they couldn't answer definitively, so they redid the same study with women... And the study showed that the women's recovery and performance improved based on having more carbs. Something that apparently science missed in it's men-only studies before.

But the psychology part of eating is really where my heart is. What makes us eat? How do we use food? Why is it some of us can consume mass quantities and remain tiny while others can eat just out side of a healthy limit and turn out obese with type 2 diabetes. And even though we know what to do... why can't we do it? How has food been changed in the history of our culture to make sugar and fat and large portions an entitlement or a norm? Why is there more people-made food on our shelves than nature-made food -- and why does most of America not care. And what has science done to natural food to make it no so natural nay more?

So many aspects. So many opinions. So many studies. It's awesome, confusing and yet clarifying.