Thursday, August 18, 2011

Smells of Motherhood

"This is what parenting is: shit and food, shit and food. Mostly shit. Wiping shit. Keeping them away from shit. Minimizing the external shit. It's parenting -- shit." -- Nancy Botwin, Weeds

I once had a neighbor tell me that she and her husband weren't animal people -- because animals pooped. But one day, she hoped that she and her husband would have children.

I'm sure there were a slew of stupid things that came out of my mouth pre-X-man, but I'm really hoping none of them sounded THIS dumb.

There are certain things you sign up for when you become a parent and a lot of them are similar to choosing to be a pet owner. You clean up a lot of urine and feces that aren't yours. When the whole family gets the stomach flu, you get to clean up your goo and your children's. (If you're blessed with a lousy spouse, you get to clean up his/her goo, too.) You get used to it, because over the 40 weeks you have the beloved parasite in your womb, you deal with a wide range of crazy concerning your own body. There's vomiting (and sometimes peeing while you vomit), frequent trips to the bathroom, edema, random bleeding, acid reflux and sometimes even rectal bleeding. Yeah!

Then after the little tiger is born, you get the breast milk, the return of your period, which is often a lot different than it was pre-birth and a new bundle of joy that poops in the colors of the rainbow (pray they're not explosive), pees in the middle of changing or baths, drools and, when the poor kiddo gets sick, vomits in his/her crib and then rolls in it. You get to suck their boogers out of their noses, too.

So, when people get a little "yuck" over the idea of scooping a litterbox, I crinkle my eyebrows. It's one thing not to want an animal in your house or want to take care of something (or lose something that you bond with). I get that. But dude, kids are gross.

And this morning, I got the joy of Motherhood in full. X-man and I took Lily to her last vet appointment (we'll be signing her up for the dog park tomorrow!) of puppy shots and tests. I buckled her into a seat belt on the way up because I didn't want her running all over the car. Responsible, right? Well, um, it turns out if she's buckled in, she can't get her "car legs" about her, and she -- vomits.

Maybe she'll be better on the way home? Yeah, no. Had to stop for more vomiting... As I was cleaning it up with wet wipes and kleenex (the two things I have in my car), X-man started dry heaving. I told him to get out. He walked away shouting, "I'm allergic to dog vomit!"


I got it cleaned up. I got the puppy cleaned up. Then I unbelted her and let X-man hold her leash. She was perfectly fine all the way home. But now I get to Bissell the backseat tonight.

If you think, yeah, but Loosey that's your pet... How is your kid messy? Right now he's sitting in the living room without his pants on because he accidentally waited too long to get to the potty and managed to pull down his pants and pee on them before getting ahold of his penis and directing the stream. So, I've cleaned the toilet seat and washed urine from his clothes.

See, the rest of my life... urine and vomit and feces that's not mine.

Because, like the book says, everyone eats -- so everyone poops.

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