I have a number of co-parents who said that they had only planned on one, but in the end biology and sex drive took over and now there are two.
When MacTroll told people he'd been to the urologist within six months of X-man's birth, people looked at him cross-eyed. "Are you sure you're done?"
And the answer is and always has been -- from both of us -- yes. I was a lousy pregnant woman. Lousy. I was excited about X-man, but it was the worst time in my whole life -- and truthfully, I've never quite recovered (physically or mentally) from the trauma.
But as most of my close friends become or are already mothers of 2.2 kids. I find myself in a weird place. I went shopping a couple weeks ago and ran into a very, very nice woman I knew from my old gym. Loved seeing here there. She is a great woman. And we talked and inquired about each other's kids. And after she asked me how old X-man was, she immediately said, "Well, it's probably time to get to work on another one." The implication that by only having one my life would be missing something.
As a mother of 2.2, I know it seemed like a rational thought to her. Like if you love the first one so much, why wouldn't you want to have more? And the truth is there are so many parents out there who are WONDERFUL at having multiple children. They handle five with an amazing ease.
Me -- I'm pouring all my love and energy into the one I have. I worked really, really hard to get him and keep him safe and healthy. And it takes all of my energy and mental capacity to raise just him. I would not be one of those parents who is great at multiples. But I feel like for some reason to the outside world where 2.2 is the social norm, I will always have to justify my choice.
And I think that sucks.
11 comments:
It does suck! I'm sorry. But you are an awesome mom because you pore you love into X. I love you. And I'll kick anyone's ass who gives you a hard time.
We're in the spot that we'd like to have a second but the circumstances aren't right. I can't be pregnant and drive 3,000 miles a month. And then at what age have we passed the time when Henry will benefit from having a sibling. There's a six year difference between my brother and me and we are not close at all.
I'm thinking I'd like to start a private law practice doing adoptions and surrogacies and that can be my next baby.
You'd be having to defend your choices if you had two or 12 kids. More than 1 kid! What!? Selfish! Planet-destroying! Couldn't use a condom (accompanied by snicker)? Etc. IMO, the issue really is that people in our society feel entitled to judge other people's parenting choices. And, yes, that sucks.
It does suck that there are "preconcieved expectations" out there - having 1 kid must mean you want several more. But honestly, I think people just don't think it through all the time...when they say/ask stupid questions OR when they "get on the baby-making bandwagon". So the next time "one of those" people questions you, say...pooh on you, I'm past that stage. :) There is definately something to be said for knowing when to say when. (Some people are better at knowing that then others...and better at using birth control, but that's another issue.)
To be perfectly honest I never wanted to have kids period. It happened because my boyfriend (at the time, now my husband) and I are stupid and weren't really doing anything to PREVENT it from happening. Once I had one, I knew that someday I wanted him to have a sibling. But, again, I didn't expect to have it happen so soon.
I think it is admirable of you to decide that you don't want to go through all that again and focus all your attention on the one you have. He's an awesome kid and you're an awesome mom.
p.s. I SO don't know how those moms of 4, 5, 6 kids that look so calm and organized do it. They make me sick. =)
I think it's great that you both have always known you would just have one. We always said two, but honestly now I don't really feel like I'm "done." But it's not just up to me and there are a lot of other factors to think about thasn just another cute baby.
I think it's awful that people would make someone feel bad for only wanting one child. I mean most people wouldn't go up to someone w/ 5 kids and tell them how wrong they are, so why is it ok when someone has just one?
First of all, good for you for knowing what you want, what works well for you family and what your sanity can handle.
Second screw anyone that wants to judge your choice. They aren't in your shoes and don't have any idea what your life is all about.
Third, Quigs kids are the anomoly. They are the only 2 siblings that I've ever met that didn't fight like cats and dogs. So all you miss out on is the squabbling and breaking up of fights or the guilt you feel when you must tend to one and the other has to wait.
Fourth, I'm with Rogers. Point me in the right direction and I will be your personal ass kicker!
Oh boy - there is one worse - being our age with no kids... I've actually had near strangers ask me if there's something *wrong* down there... Then there's the girls our age who do have kids and as soon as you let them know you don't have one, nor plan to have one they just give up talking to you, like they have no clue what to say if they can't talk about their kids! So onwards I go with my selfish "DINK" lifestyle... yeah, it's selfish to not have kids as well apparently! *sigh*
For some reason, there is this attitude shared by a crazy amount of people that having only one child is akin to child abuse. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because people believe only children are selfish and spoiled (or maybe because these people harbor a jealousy and hidden resentment that they grew up with siblings) - I'm not sure. Anyway, as an only child, I say F 'em. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY YOURSELF TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just ignore them.
Only child here. Loved it.
Social norms are a terrible standard.
DTR
I can't believe someone who is an acquaintance said to you "it's time to get to work on another one." How does she know what's going on in your life? I think it's great you've decided to have just one - it takes a lot of love and energy to raise one child. But it's not fair and right that people ask the following questions: (1) are you dating someone (2) do you plan on having kids or (3) when are you going to have another kid. (Unless the person is a close relative or friend who genuinely care.)
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