Saturday, April 16, 2011

Bitter Pill

I've spent the majority of today feeling angry and resentful. I was getting so out of hand that I pretty much locked myself in my Loosey room in the basement for two hours this afternoon and tried to wait it out. But what I wanted to do was scream and punch things. Then I wanted to get in my car and drive far, far away.

I've been feeling utterly trapped lately, like I can't move forward and I refuse to go back. There are so many things that are beyond my control, so I've been taking care of what I can control. But it doesn't seem to help much when, in the grand scheme of things, I feel pretty much on my own. Wasn't the point of growing up to create some kind of lifestyle where I didn't feel this way?

I've clearly failed myself, because when I wake up in the morning and go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, I look at myself in the mirror, and I have no idea who that woman is staring back. What does she want? Where is she going in her life? What is she good at? Who are her adult people?

If it wasn't for my son's repeating the same questions over and over again all the time and his persistent, "Mom, mom, mom..." with no actual follow up I'm pretty sure I'd go through most days never talking to anyone.

I guess it is what it is. But it feels horrible.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I've been there. Sometimes I'm still there. Don't know if this will help you, but it helps me to remind myself that I don't have to have all the answers. I mean, those are some big questions, all of which could be truthfully answered, "in progress."