Monday, November 16, 2009

A Version of Happy, I Think

I remember thinking as a kid that there were certain things that would happen to you that would make you happy forever. The happily ever after kind of happy.

Then in the hormonal hysteria of adolescence I realized that happily ever after was a whole hell of a lot of bullshit.

By the time I got to college, I'd adjusted to, "I guess happy is just being okay with being alive."

I'm in this very philosophical state this week. I've been thinking a lot on runs about the state of my being. Areas I need to strengthen. Places that are still too bruised and too easy for people to poke at. In a lot of ways I feel very put together and in other ways I very much feel like a fraud.

In the end, as I'm sweating like crazy and out of breath, I think, "Well, at least I'm living my life. I'm not doing nothing." And then I thought, "What if this is doing nothing?"

I know when I read people's blogs about how grateful they are for what they have, they tend to list things related to love and security. The basic needs. But sometimes I feel separate from those things. Like I know I have them and they exist, but at the same time I feel like I'm in the Truman Show or something. Like it's a big act or a scam. Like at any moment those things can be ripped away, because that's the way life is. You get what you get. And you don't get mass amounts of control over how things play out.

If you are reading this and know me at all, you know I don't believe in any form of religion. I get that the world has a way it works on a spiritual level. There's an ebb and flow. I don't believe that there's a higher being with a plan, and through the years I've tried not to become so angry when people use those kinds of words to comfort others. The words are, admittedly, no comfort to me, in fact they have the opposite effect -- but I do sincerely accept and respect that they may very much be a comfort to others.

Charles Darwin pointed out that the species that survives the longest is not the smartest or the prettiest... and I'm pretty sure it's not the one that prays the most. Instead, it's the one that adapts. But what happens if you're a creature that adapts to the point of apathy. Do you become the Lazarus Long of the world ready to push your own suicide button after 2,000 years? Not that I am anything like him. Trust me, I love that character like crazy, and he's way smarter than me.

Sometimes I wish I had more answers. I always wish I had more patience. And I think back to the part of The Great Gatsby when Daisy said she hopes her daughter grows up to be a fool. And it sits in my head. How much happier would I be if I was more naive, if I was more Pollyanna, if I had lower expectations, if I just let it all go from my brain? Would that elation exist? Is ignorance bliss? Or is a consistent state of happiness or contentment just some kind of crazy dream (i.e. lie) in the first place?


4 comments:

Rudy said...

I think most people can eventually find contentment but it may not/probably never looks like what you expected it to look like. I also think nurture does play a big part in how you see the world but for some people religion/beliefs helps make how they were raised less influential in how they see the world. I know it has for me.

You pose some huge questions though that I think everyone struggles with. Suffering and why and how things happen how they happen. I don't get it. I wonder about it often, I struggle with it and wrestle with the implications of my views. I even hold some views that surprise people because I can't fit suffering into the same box others can fit it into. I don't think any beliefs sum it up satisfactorily. It is a mystery that we may never understand.

I do know one thing... being unaware or foolish might seem like a nice option but those people rarely impact the world.

Jennifer Wilson said...

I certainly agree with Rudy that your upbringing has a very strong impact on how and what you question of this world.

Those of us that were raised with freedom from religious indoctrination I think are more likely to see the world for all its flaws.. and question what is good and what is happiness... regardless of whether that person ended up religious or not.. its the freedom to think and ask for yourself that shapes your perspective.

Unfortunately, this openness to not having the answers can lead to the sense of insecurity that you mention. To me, this is why religion was contrived to start with, to offer than comfort. Later it became a mechanism to control and hence why so many of us don't want to be a part of it.

iamarogers said...

I think that you have to have a balance between foolishness and thoughtfulness. If you think too hard, you get really depressed at all the things that happen in the world that aren't fair. And if you think in that mindset too long, you become paralyzed with fear.

You need a little Pollyanna (says the Pollyanna herself) to enjoy moments in life.

You, my friend, have more of an impact on the life around you than I do. I find contentment staying in my pajamas, but then wonder how I'm really spending my life. You are living your life, effecting people's lives. I look up to you for that. You make me want to do more.

I don't know if we will ever be 100% content. I think expecting life to be that way is unrealistic. But I also think we need to find happiness where we can because we only get one life.

Ying and Yang, dude.

Lavender Lemonade said...

Contentment is an emotion. Not a state of being. Its always fluttering around you if you'd only stop and catch it for a moment, then let it go.