Why is Good Stuff so Hard to Believe?

I've been paid a lot of compliments this week. Most of them made by people who see me on an irregular basis. One of the guys who started with me in the Carle Weight Management Program moved to my Monday Maintenance class the other day. We sat together. And I missed him. It was nice to see someone who had started when I had. Because the program is made up of people with varying needs... some people finish the 12-week CORE class, meet their goal and then go to maintenance... 10 months later, it's highly probable that a person who only had a few pounds to lose is no longer with the program at all. Those of us with many pounds to lose went from the 12-week CORE class, to a continuing weight loss class and then to maintenance, where we still are losing -- albeit more slowly -- as we reintroduce non-meal supplement food into our diets. B has lost 135 lbs since Feb. 5. He looks amazing. His family members are now all trying to take part in the protein shakes to fill up on low-calorie, high-volume foods to follow his lead. He works out every day, sometimes twice a day (ahhhh, retirement) at the Savoy Recreation Center. He plays with is grandkids. He is awesome.

When the ladies in my class asked him what kept him going so long on the shake/entree only program (the most restrictive) his reply was Amy. Amy is our health educator. She's a nutritionist. And she is an absolute doll. She's supportive and strict all at the same time. She's a success story of the program, too. And she is someone who can really relate to the challenge. Somehow, in the last 10 months, she's taught me to do what I need to do to get where I want to be and then not to beat myself up when the scale doesn't go my way. And for that, I will be forever thankful to her. It is a journey. One I'll be on my whole life. Ignoring my weight problem and food problems or putting them at the bottom of my priorities kept my self esteem low, which is why I'm having freakouts every week about how people respond to me differently out in the world.

On Sunday, I got leered at by two businessmen outside of the W.

Today at the dentist, my favorite office personnel person said she hardly recognized me. Bev, one of the dental hygenists saw my name on the schedule and came in to say hello. But didn't think it was me in the chair. Susan, my hygenist, gushed over my success.

I was never good at direct attention. It was a positive side to the obesity. It was like you were the elephant in the room that no one truly saw. Now that I'm not, I'm noticing myself being more attracted to the people who treat me the same. Because I gotta tell you, not everyone is. It's harder for me to sit down at a table with people and suddenly become aware that they're staring at what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, etc. We had a mom's night out at Old Chicago the other night and I was so happy to be there with supportive friends who didn't give a shit that I had a black and tan (my first beer in months) and then I ordered a little big cookie. I was good with it, so they were good with it.

Sometimes, though, I sit with people who eat their food at a meal and constantly apologize for the food choice they made. Sometimes they say it to the waiter or the guy behind the cash register. Sometimes they say it directly to me. Like now that I'm smaller, I'm staring at them and judging them for what they put in their mouth. And I know they're uncomfortable, and now I'm uncomfortable. Because truthfully, I'm not paying attention to what they're eating. I'm only concerned with watching myself. But when I was heavier, it wasn't part of the dinner conversation. And now not only do people notice me more, which I hate, they seem to be looking at me more critically -- or -- looking at themselves more critically, which I'm guessing makes me the worst dinner partner ever.

So, I'm very thankful today to the people who were sitting at my dinner table with me when I was 80 lbs heavier and loved me for who I am... and are able to continue to do so regardless of what pant size I am now or what pant size I may be in the future. Don't be surprised if you're invited to my table more often. I appreciate that you don't make my weight loss about you.

But I think I am going to go find someone to talk to about all this, because I'm not quite sure how to deal with it all. In my head, I'm just me. And even though I know the numbers are moving toward a normal BMI -- I don't feel different. I just feel like me. Like I'm still 246 lbs. To me - - that's normal.