Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Crazy Privilege

Today, I was sitting at Sunsinger with MacTroll. We decided to treat ourselves to lunch before I take off for three days in Montreal. There was a table next to me of women who all had older children. Children in high school. They were gabbing away about private education and costs and how excited they were over their children's PSAT, ACT and SAT scores.

They were saying things about how everyone sent their children to places like Next Generation because they were hoping that they'd have a higher chance of getting into Uni High. Words like, "Well, when you have the money that's how you should spend it" were spoken. Then they discussed gifted programs and extracurriculars, and I had to stop listening or I was going to go insane.

Then I went into the bakery next door. There was a business meeting taking place in the corner. It looked like a local plastic surgeon was interviewing someone to perhaps do some marketing for him. And he said, that the potential employee didn't have to have the services he offered, but she at least had to believe in them in order to sell them successfully. "Personal improvement" was the whole focus.

I've decided to make "Personal Improvement" my theme, not in regard to cosmetic surgery, but in terms of having more intention in my life. In reality, I've been pretty rough and tumble with myself lately. I've been beating myself up for a lot of stuff. I figured that the reason I was unhappy was because I was somehow broken. This afternoon, I don't know what it was, but I left work with this feeling like I could finally cut myself some slack. I never used to be so uptight. I used to be pretty laid back. What was the difference?

I talked about it a little with the nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood when I got my IUD rechecked. I am kind of caught between a series of physiological issues and psychological issues and finding a balance between them has been -- awkward at best and frightening at worst. But the really big issue is that I'm lonely. I show up, but I don't seem to connect. Not the way I should. And I've pretty much killed off any of the connections I did have. People just floated away when I stopped being the tether. I feel socially awkward. I can't seem to organize my thoughts enough to get the words to formulate into cohesive, meaningful prose, so I don't say anything at all.

I must be frustrated about it, because six weeks ago my blood pressure was 90/60 at Planned Parenthood. Today it was 120/60. I haven't registered a BP at 120 or higher since I was almost 10 months pregnant and in some crappy consistent pain. And yes, my foot did hurt today after working for four hours on it, but I don't know if it was bad enough to elevate my pressure that much.

Tomorrow morning I'll be on a plane to Montreal. I've been walking around the last two weeks horribly uncomfortable with what's going on in my body and in my head. Here's hoping that I'm able to find a way to pull all those pieces back together, to have more patience and to transform into the loving, actively involved friendly woman that I know I want to be by the time I return.

Perspective is always a good thing.


Anonymous said...

Dana, I find this comment "And I've pretty much killed off any of the connections I did have. People just floated away when I stopped being the tether" sad. It seems like you're taking a lot of responsibility for things that may be completely unrelated to you. Personally, I have been struggling just to keep my own life from running into the ditch and even maintaining friendships seems overwhelming sometimes. I hope that I'm through that dark place now but perhaps some of what you internalizing is just people being overwhelmed with their own responsibilities and not a reflection on you or how much they like you. Personally, I think you're awesome with everything that you do and I always enjoy our conversations. (This is Jen by the way.)

the sandwich life said...

Perspective IS good. Travel safely and enjoy yourself. Take care.

wrigley50 said...

wow! I understand, and here I thought I was the only one who felt like that...everyone else always appears so connected to me. I always feel so isolated and alone....working on it though!