I was going to blog about the Carle Food Allergy seminar I went to for educators tonight, but that can wait. Due to Blogger being down yesterday (horrors of horrors!) I didn't get to update.
Last week I left weight management angry for a bunch of different reasons. This week, I left weight management in tears. They weren't mean to me or anything. No one cracked a ruler across my knuckles or gave me a stern look. This was all me and my emotions.
You see, when I feel self-pity that I can't eat the way other people eat, I rebel. Know how I rebel? I consume foods that haven't been in my regular diet. I do it for a number of reasons but none of them is hunger-based. Do you see how this is a problem?
I also have emotional reasons to overeat. I have always been this way. I get sad -- I go for ice cream. I get happy -- I go for ice cream. I am bored -- I go for ice cream. I'm lonely -- I go for ice cream. It's a crutch. Other people have things like pizza or cake or liquor. I have ice cream.
When I get the urge to go down to Marble Slab, belly up to the bar and order myself a Banana Traveler on a white chocolate sprinkle cone, I try to subside it with something else. Usually, it's 35 calorie whole wheat slice of bread with a tablespoon of Brummel and Brown and a 1/2 tablespoon of honey. For a normal urge -- one does it. For a hormonal, pre-period meltdown it might take five pieces of bread. I've been tracking this urge for a while, and like clockwork it happens the day before, the day of and the day after my period and then it goes away. I don't feel guilty about it -- but the urge to consume feels uncontrollable and leaves me in a bit of a panic. At any other time, I just shrug my shoulders at food. I can walk into Cocomero and fill my cup full of fruit and completely ignore the frozen yogurt.
But my brain is telling me it wants what it wants and it's stomping its foot like a three-year-old child having a tantrum. On those weeks, I gain weight at weigh in. It happens. Normally, I spend the next three weeks working that gain off (it's 2-3 lbs). Usually I can run. Usually I can go to a boot camp class. Usually I'm not randomly sad about something I can't put my finger on.
Tomorrow is the first day I'm allowed to try some moderate activity on my plantar fascia after spending some time with the physical therapist this week. In the two weeks I've been off of it, I've gained 7 lbs. I keep eating like I'm running 25 miles a week, but I'm not. And I'm disappointed, but at the same time, I feel hungry a lot. Usually in the evenings. And I often wonder if this relates to the hormones in the IUD. (I have my six-week follow up appointment on Tuesday, so I can ask.)
I've also been working more the last two weeks, and the days have been overscheduled to the point of exhaustion, where I find myself eating bowls of fruit just to stay awake until I put X-man to bed. Yes, I know, it's fruit... but imagine eating one of those 32 oz packs of strawberries, by yourself, in two days. It's kind of crazy. And that's not the only fruit and vegetables I've been eating. Yesterday, I consumed 14 servings of fruits and veggies, today I'm at 10. Used to be I came in at a solid 5-7.
I keep looking at the paperwork they gave me to get my bloodwork done with in July after my IUD will have had 3 months to get settled. But part of me wants to go get it done now. I'm curious if my ferritin has gotten lower and the lack of energy is driving me to eat through the insane brain chemistry signals. I am, however, proud that I've been picking good choices to chew on rather than just buying a 1/2 gallon of moose track ice cream and a Papa Del's Super Stuffed Garlic and Spinach pizza every night and letting it take over. But I am so tired of battling my body chemistry. And I'm quite sure that whomever reads my blog is tired of me whining about it. (My sincerest apologies.)
But one of these days I'm afraid I'm going to get knocked on my ass, and I'm just going to stay down and close my eyes to the fight. It's a scary feeling. I'm afraid of what's happening to my body. It just doesn't feel right.
On the same note, I am leaving for Montreal next Wednesday. It's time for Loosey's annual sleep-a-thon. I'll be staying at the W again. It's been awhile (2008). So, I'm hoping I get their fabulous chaise lounge... That thing was awesome to nap on. Mostly, I think I'm just going to check in and collapse. Hopefully, I'll come back revived and ready to take over my life again...