Turtle Trot

I am by no means a fast runner. I've always known this, and it was proven again during a training run with Quigs and Special K on Saturday afternoon, where Quigs put on her hare feet and ran like her ass was on fire. While Katherine did her best to shout directions (we were practicing on the last leg of the Illinois Marathon course) to Kelly and keep her eye on me.

When I finished, I'd run my usual 11 minute/mile pace for anything over five miles. My fastest 5k time is a 9:29/mile. But I run 4-5 days a week. Somewhere in my head I think that this should somehow make me faster. I do the speed workouts. I do brick workouts in preparation for my mini triathlons. I do strength training 2-3 times a week and have been slowly progressing my weight increases so that I'm pushing myself but not injuring myself.

My Body Blast instructor, Melissa, said the other day that our bodies are far ready to take on most new physical challenges long before our heads are. And I wonder if my head is some kind of random barrier to improvement.

I'm comfortable at my pace. It feels natural and good to run at it. My body needs no recovery the next day. After Saturday's run, I got up, biked 9 miles in 36 minutes and then ran a mile and a half at 9:50/mile. I felt fine. Nothing hurts. I'm meeting my requirements to burn 2700 calories a week for my weight management program. I'm trying new and different physical activities. I'm trying to keep life interesting so I keep exercising at least 60-90 minutes six days a week. And I'm not bored.

Normally, when I'm not in a state of "self punishment" I'd call this a success and turn over and go to sleep. My goal is always to get my time in, have fun and hopefully improve. But for some reason, I'm bothered by my ineptitude this weekend. I feel like I'm somehow not doing enough and falling behind while also feeling like I'm doing all I can. It's frustrating.

Once I let Special K and Quigs get far enough ahead so I couldn't see them, I calmed down. I felt better. Maybe it's just because I'm so used to running by myself. Maybe this is more about feeling like I'm failing to keep up, rather than just recognizing the tremendous accomplishments I've already made in improving my health. Maybe running needs to be about me getting it done for me... rather than comparing my running abilities to other more fit friends. It's just -- hard to do -- this weekend.

Inhale, Exhale. Inhale, Exhale.

I seem to be playing out some kind of multiple personality disorder today. I woke up kind of grouchy, tried to rally and ignore some things that annoyed me when I shouldn't have been surprised that the instances occurred. I made it to the gym, rode the bike for 20 minutes nice and easy to warm up my thighs, which are still stiff from workouts on Friday and Saturday. Then I went to my third pilates training session with Thom from the Fitness Center.

I hadn't been able to go since the first week in March because I pulled some of my abdominal muscles on the left hand side of my body. But today the workout felt great. It was hard. Really hard. My whole body was shaking as it went through the strengthening and stretching movements. I really focused on following instructions and not allowing my body to "cheat." But Thom did notice that I tend to allow my right side of my body to do more work than the left side (since I'm right side dominant). So he spent a bit of time correcting my form and showing me what was correct versus what felt natural. Funny how those two things aren't always the same thing. But I felt pretty chipper when I left the gym.

I came home and had some HMR soup with vegetables, calculated my food tallies and physical activity for the week and then went to weigh-in. I was up 1.5 lbs, which is normal for a Monday. I tend to work out heavier toward the end of the week/weekend and retain water... and then by Wednesday I usually lose 3 or so lbs. But it's a constant progress. I've gone up and down the same 1.5 lbs on weigh-in day since hitting goal. I felt okay when I left the clinic.

Then I came home and found some other stuff that annoyed me. It's no one's fault. There were some accidents. I had lunch and then retreated to my bedroom. Now I'm thinking shower and clean sheets and a nap after I put some of my laundry away. And now I just feel tired and grouchy.

Maybe it's the cloudy weather?

Clawdio is in my lap doing his best to try and make me feel better. We'll see if it works.

Confessions of a Grumpy Woman

No one wants to hear a rich girl talk about being on a budget.
No one wants to hear a skinny girl talk about her weight worries.
No one wants to hear the friend whose always got the time and the inclination for sex with her/his significant other gush about how great it is.
No one wants to hear that you get to go on a fabulous vacation when others are stuck in their homes paying back debt.
No one wants to hear that you've got all kinds of life skills that they don't have.
No one wants to hear that you're endlessly remodeling your home.
No one wants to hear that your kid is some kind of cognitive or artistic genius.
No one wants to hear that you came into money due to the generosity of a family member.
We say we're happy for you. But really we're envious.
We want to be happy for you, but we just can't get past the fact that we've got to work harder to have less than you.
My cheeks are red with jealousy.
Are yours?

Warning: The Shit is Spreading

So, on Thursday, per her Facebook status, Roger Rogers had a terrible, no good, very bad day.

Then on Friday, Harley Quinn's Facebook status indicated she was in the middle of complete suckage. 

Well, friends, I'm here to tell you that today is my day for the holy hell of annoyance, frustration, anger and WTF craziness.

It's like some old timers war story... "It started so well. It was a beautiful cool day..." I swear there really is a Hellmouth. Sigh. 

Anyway, as it goes, X-man was excited about going to Arthur this a.m. to buy some baked goods at the 3rd Saturday Market in Arthur.

He told us at the exit for Arthur off 57 that he needed to go poopy. So I pulled into the parking lot of the DQ, where X-man started screaming that he didn't want to use the potty and he didn't have to go poopy. I learned my lesson a couple weeks ago when KTDID and I drove him to the aquarium and he said he had to pee but as soon as I got on the exit he said he didn't have to and told me not to go to the McDonald's -- and then five minutes later peed his pants. So, this time, I pulled over and MacTroll tried to take him in to use the restroom. He wouldn't have it. So I said I had to pee, too, and we'd all use the potty at the same time.

In the bathroom area, X-man wanted to use the bathroom by himself. I'm all cool with him in his own stall, but not alone in the bathroom. He didn't want MacTroll to go with him -- "No bathroom for you, Daddy! You stay here! Mommy go there."

MacTroll waited until he was in the stall with the door closed and then snuck in to observe. X-man peed standing up, then turned around and climbed up to go poopy. Then he wiped and came out to wash his hands. All the while, MacTroll found out that neither of the urinals in the bathroom flushed appropriately. 

The women's bathroom at the DQ in Arcola was disgusting. The women's stalls are so tight that when I shut the door, I could hardly turn around. When I sat to pee, my knees were up against the door. The toilets really needed to be scrubbed (at 9:30 a.m.) and I didn't want anything to do, even with shoes on, with pushing the pedal to make the top of the garbage can come up. 

X-man joined me out in the parking lot, but when MacTroll came out -- X-man demanded that he return to the bathroom to go poopy, too.

When we finally got on our way towards Arthur, I had high hopes for wooden toys, custom chairs, tables, boxes, droves of baked goods, etc. But no. Apparently, those folks must abandon their own town on Saturday to go to other larger cities (Urbana) to sell their goods, because what we found were 1970's like hand towels, a table with 6 old books on it, two bakers with mostly white bread and a few jars of honey and some WWF (Yes, like vintage WWE) paraphernalia. It was very disappointing.

About 3 minutes before we walked into the U of I Extension building where the market takes place, X-man started to get a little loud. Arthur is a very sleepy town. And people started staring at his loudness. I didn't mind when it was just him counting cars. I mean -- at least he can count, right? But when we went in the building and saw what was available at 10 a.m., MacTroll and I immediately went quiet. "Well, maybe we'll just peruse downtown and end up at that playground," I offered. MacTroll nodded.

We walked out of the building and X-man demanded to be carried. I said, "No." Then I couldn't remember if we'd locked the door on the car, so MacTroll ran back to check. But X-man grabbed onto him and screamed at him, "NO! You must hold my hand!" Even though we were going to wait by the sidewalk. Then the meltdown started -- I pointed out that the park was 2 blocks away and we could go there first. I got hit and he screamed in my face. MacTroll came back and tried to distract him and put him on his shoulders. 

X-man said he wanted a snack. I pointed to the bakery down the street -- and he started screaming about how he didn't want to go to the baker. "The baker is closed!" You can't take a kid like this into a restaurant. So I told him his options were to go to the bakery or go home and the choice put him into complete disarray. I took him from MacTroll and tried to talk to him. He screamed to be put down. Then he screamed to be picked up. People were still staring. I was embarrassed. I looked at MacTroll and said, "We're done. Back to the car." 

MacTroll tried to usher X-man, but he tried to run away from him toward the park. So I picked X-man up and got hit again. I told him hitting was not nice, but he was too far into the tantrum. No distraction or logic was working. He was screaming and lunging to hurt me. He tried to bite my arm. I turned him over my shoulder in a firefighter carry and lugged him back to the car. I put him in his carseat buckled him in and got in to drive. He kicked my seat repeatedly screaming that he wanted to go this way or that way. Anyway but the way I was going.

I asked him to try to take a breath and calm down and talk to us. MacTroll tried to take over that part -- and instantly got screamed at. "Don't talk to me, Daddy! Turn around!"

Then he told me that I was happy. I was happy -- because he was sad. And the kid might have just taken a sword and shoved it through the back of my car seat and through my chest. Any discussion about how sad I was that he was sad went unheard. 

So we drove back home with X-man in some stage of screaming, whimpering or crying all the way to Savoy. And I ran off to the Urbana Farmer's Market to try and salvage my morning. But at 11:30 a lot of the vendors are gone. And if they aren't gone, the stuff I wanted is LONG gone. I had promised MacTroll a loaf of bread, so I wandered into the Co-op. But it was full of people, and I hadn't been there since they moved from the old location and the line was long -- and I didn't want to have to deal with sorting out my member/owner status because I was starting to feel dizzy and needed lunch. So I left and wandered down to Mirabelle's for the bread.

On the way to Mirabelle's, I stopped at Heel to Toe. It's having their summer sale for anyone interested in discounted Birks or other sandals. Nothing in a size 41 that I liked. So I got to Mirabelle's and got a garlic loaf and walked back to my car. 

When I got home, I found out that the additional escrow money I had sent Chase to cover my property taxes in August (because I'm one of those people who believes in having money in an account so people can pay bills on time) got screwed. The bank apparently couldn't do the math to sort out the correct escrow payment when they gave me my mortgage 2 years ago...and now they'd taken the money I'd sent them and  apparently just applied it to two complete payments (i.e. interest in Chase's hands). So I had to call and straighten that out, which was annoying because they told me that by filling in the "Additional Escrow" box on my payment form, I had done something unusual for their customers. I guess the "usual" thing to do is to just let Chase make the payment -- even if my account doesn't have the money in it and then they can do an "escrow review" and increase my monthly payment to the correct amount. Um... shouldn't they have done that appropriately on the front end before I bought my house? 

What made it worse was that on my new statement it says that if they're "unclear" as to where I'd like the money to go, they'll pay off any "late bills or service charges" with my check and then hold the money and contact you to see where you'd like to put it. Um, if that's their policy, why didn't they do it? Instead they just rotated it forward -- but I guess the extra escrow payment area wasn't clear enough to whomever processed my check.

Then X-man got mad because MacTroll wouldn't let him play with the hose -- so he peed his pants just to show MacTroll who's boss. He went inside and dumped out his Lego bin and played quietly for a few minutes. Then he had to poop, and he made it to the potty, but he had a dingleberry, which he didn't realize until he stood up over my newly cleaned carpet and let it drop to the floor, it was so nice that it happened in the middle of me trying to finally eat lunch.

Then X-man fought me over having to wash his hands after he touched his poopy bottom.

So now I've  retreated to my bedroom. I'm seriously thinking of blockading the door and just staying here until the damn thing burns down and I'm trapped in it. 

Why I'm Going to be a Bitch All Day

1) Having a toddler run in my room at 3 a.m., hit me on the shoulders, scream in my face, climb over me into bed and then proceed on kicking me and shouting, "Move! Move! Move!" 

2) Joel left to go to D.C. until Thursday after being at a 4-day wedding last Thursday to Sunday. 

3) I had a bad doctor's appointment yesterday, where I basically have come to the conclusion that pregnancy really does more harm to a woman's body than good when I'm still having complications 3 years later. But, of course, "everyone else" loves being pregnant or wants to get pregnant... so, I'm guessing there's just something inherently wrong with me. Ironically, if I was still sedentary and 250 lbs., I would have had no idea there was something wrong with me. And I always thought when you lost weight you were supposed to prevent health issues, not find new ones.

4) I signed up for a free 4-week trial of the News-Gazette because I felt guilty. Being a person who was married to a journalist and worked with a journalist, I felt like I should give my local newspaper a try -- and the 4 weeks gives me time to consider the subscription price. With the exception of Sunday there are so actually few LOCAL stories being written that are printed in the paper (a feature on bathing suit choices on the July 4th issue -- um, most bathing suits are on their way out of stores by July 4th...) that it gives me a decidingly icky feeling. Seriously. They don't give you anything you can't find on Yahoo news that comes over AP. Why would anyone pay for that? They've gotta keep it local -- and heavily so, but I guess that requires not laying off newsroom workforce, and apparently, that's a big issues these days.

5) I have a 3-year old still sitting at the breakfast table because he refuses to get dressed. He was due at school 12 minutes ago. It's going to be an ugly battle, and I just don't feel like it. Of course, when his only method of communicating with me this morning is to scream in my face and then not listen to a word I'm telling him -- it doesn't make me feel real excited about having any interaction with him. But maybe that was his plan all along.

Update: It's 12:44 p.m. and I just managed to get an aura -- migraine is following. So I'm gong to take a nap and sleep it off before I get nauseated and vomit.

From the Frontline

Today is Thursday. Today is day 6 of having a sinus infection and day 11 of me being sick, and you can tell all the laying about it taking a toll on me.

1) I rented a musical to watch last night. I hate musicals. Well, there are a few childhood favorites that escape the list (Grease, You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown and Annie) and one adult surprise (Sunday at the Park with George). But for the most part, I spent my 20's in D.C. going to musical after musical hoping, but not finding one I'd ever consider purchasing an album for. 

2) I have used 4 boxes of Kleenex.

3) My son doesn't hug me any more. He just runs in and waves goodnight to me. When he comes in our room at 3:30 a.m., he's all, "Where's Daddy?" He's too sleepy to run down to the guest room to sleep with him, so he crawls into the far side of my king-sized bed. 

4) I have become a very expensive cat bed. I woke up yesterday at 4:40 p.m. covered in all four cats. This morning, I have Riley the dog at my feet (he's upset he didn't get taken in the car to drop X-man off at school) and Maya (the cat with the bullet in her back) in my lap.

5) The boys have stopped saying goodbye to me when they leave. They just go.

6) I went all day yesterday without talking to anyone. Until I got annoyed at something and had to try to call everyone to tell them my Grrr. 

7) Going downstairs for food makes me sad. Not only am I on my own, but I'm pretty sure this is going to play out that when MacTroll leaves for work next week, I'll finally be able to do things like stand up, drive a car, take my kid to school and -- I'll also be left with a tornado struck house. 

8) Spring break is almost over, and this is not how I wanted to spend it.

Love and Hate

Things I LOVE:

1. When X-man falls asleep holding my hand to his chest or his face.

2. Coming home to a house I didn't have to clean.

3. When my husband picks up after himself and follows through on a project like say, his laundry.

4. When X-man tells me he loves me without me saying it first.

5. When I get a call from an old friend who is excited to talk to me no matter how long I've been out of the loop.

6. The 2 hours I get alone a day to either do homework or work on housework without someone pulling at me.

7. When I get to walk with my dog in the morning. 

8. When all my cats are happy and healthy.

9. When X-man is excited to go see his friends.

10. That my son's teachers are amazing, and I love how much he loves them and vice versa. It's a huge peace of mind to know that while I'm at school they both have a respectful, responsive and reciprocal relationship going on.

11. Warm potatoes on a cold day.

12. My car.

13. That tomorrow is Friday.

14. That some guy checked me out today while we were both waiting to turn left at the red light going out of Parkland. 

15. That I really enjoy my classes and think I'm going to love working full-time again in a couple years.

Things I Hate:

1. That there is no way to get onto I-74 at Mattis.

2. That one of my cats has a UTI and is peeing in my basement (two have been tested so far this week). 

3. That my husband is teaching our son not to pick up after himself. 

4. That it is impossible for me to walk out of Target without blowing over $100 on stuff that we actually need (cat litter, laundry detergent, etc.)

5. That no one seems to say thank you any more.

6. That I have to clean my house for Saturday by myself.

7. That for some reason there aren't any cool black couches that aren't gigantic. Seriously. I just want something that three people could sit on, on an easy clean fabric for less than $1500.

8. That my son has learned to tune me out.

9. That my husband has chosen to tune me out.

10. That I'm trying to find something to find comfort in besides food, and I keep coming up empty (other than the idea of just getting in the car and driving away).

11. That Busey is changing over their banking system which somehow requires me to do something... why can't they just make it automatic without me having to register with numbers I don't remember and have to look up.

12. That I've set my clocks like 12 times this week due to time changes and power outtages.

13. That as often as I recycle things, throw things out, give things away and donate things, I still have too much stuff in my house to have it look orderly.

14. That X-man is still in his dump everything out on the floor stage.

15. That the weather got cold again. I really got pretty high off the sunshine. I could use that again.

Just call me Oscar

I'm in a bad mood today. 

I have a headache and a cold.

My child kept me up half of the night because he doesn't seem to understand that he still needs to nap during the day, or he falls asleep in the car on the way to return videos at quarter to 6 p.m. and won't wake up for anything -- until it's time for Mom to go to bed -- and then he keeps her up with wild rumpus like behavior until it's way past any person's bedtime. Only to have to get up at 7 a.m. How obnoxious was he? Riley, the dog, actually begged to go downstairs and sleep alone on the couch rather than be anywhere near the second floor.

I've just dropped my monster off at pre-school. Instead of going to the gym, I'm taking a nap and we'll see if life starting at 11 a.m. is at least headache free. 

Then I will go shopping at Wal-mart, one of my least favorite things to do, and then I'll either try to take a walk or go to the gym, depending on the state of my cold, before I fetch the X-man from school.

To Hell in a Handbasket

I'm done. Put a fork in me.

Seriously.

I'm sick. Like the kind of sick where you have so much shit in the back of your throat from your nose and glands draining all night that you can't talk when you first wake up. Instead you have to sit there all silent and annoyed for 20 minutes as the stuff runs down your sore throat. You can do things like gargle, suck on Ricolas and brush your teeth. But really, it's just such a shitty way to wake up.

Then there's the whole part where I'm contagious. MacTroll took X-man to school. He's got energy and is feeling better but still has a small cough first thing when he wakes up. But I didn't even get to see him this a.m. And we kept him away from me last night.

Then there's the fact that I don't feel like reading a book. And my head pounds when I stand up. So I'm on the internet, which is filled with nothing but ugly political news or disgusting economic woes. The kind of thing that reminds me that I've lost an obscene amount of money this month in retirement and college savings plans for X-man. I worry about those. MacTroll watches stock prices. But the whole thing makes me feel like adding vomiting to my list of symptoms. 

So I'm done. Someone give me some good news. I know by Wednesday, I'll feel better. But right now I'm tired of hearing Obama call John McCain erratic and McCain (through Palin) calling Obama a friend of terrorists. Can we just gag them until the election? Oh wait, as of next Monday I can vote... and then it won't matter. They can say whatever they want. I'll be done and wash my hands of the whole thing until we have a winner.

And then I'll just keep trucking... 

The Bitter Blogger

Okay, so I woke up in a mood today. A bitchy, pushy mood. It doesn't happen often, but MacTroll has had enough of me so he said I could either go paint the fence or go take a nap and either way, I needed to be less bitter.

So, before I put my head down and try to wake up as normal, perky, happy Loosey... I'm going to carry on about a few things. 

1.) I am not a purse person. Wanna know how I know. Because I visited the new Meijer in Urbana today to do my grocery shopping. It's a clean, friendly store. Customer Service was at that annoying stage where you're not supposed to do anything for yourself, but it's nice that so many people bothered to ask, because that never happens in department stores any more. Anyway, when we were selling our house,  I had too many items (wallet, phone, keys, etc.) that I was trying to carry in my pockets. It was all great if the baby was with me because I'd stuff everything in the diaper bag. But when I went out with MacTroll or X-man I was always forgetting stuff, throwing away my phone with lunch garbage, dropping things. Finally, MacTroll said, "Just buy a freaking purse." So I went to Target and got one.

Now that I'm not selling my house, I don't carry a phone. That means I just have a wallet and a set of keys. No purse needed. I must know this because the only thing I put in it today at the store was the map they gave me when I walked through the door. Seriously, I had my wallet in my back pocket and a set of keys in my front pocket. I was wearing my earphones (because the new store still plays music older than I am) and had my iPod in the other pocket. But for some reason I had the purse with me. 

I put all my items in the trunk. Pushed my cart to the cart return and drove away, leaving the virtually empty purse (it had an armband for the iPod, a pen and 15 Culver Points coupons in it).  I fetched it later, but I've given up on it. Anyone want a free purse?

2.) Massages

There are many things I guilt myself over regarding money. Haircuts, underwear, clothes, shoes, anything for myself I feel bad spending money on. If it's for the kid, no problem. But I got a certificate for a 1/2 price off 1 hour massage from somewhere locally and decided to take a chance. Good massages are worth the money. 

My usual massage therapist, who I love but haven't made time for in about six months is Loree Hardy at Hair Design at Knollwood. Loree is amazing. You walk in and Loree casually asks how you're feeling. You tell her a little something about your life and then you can communicate anything you'd like her to work on. Since I've seen her on and off since 2004, she knows where I hold my tension and where my issues are. But even if I didn't tell her, she's like one of those metal detectors at the beach. She narrows in on the problem and suddenly muscles you didn't know you had are getting worked on until they melt down like butter. A lot of time my problems spots radiate from other areas like my calves or hamstrings into my gluts and lower back. My favorite part is that Loree starts with the hard stuff. 

She listens to where your issues are and she spends a LOT of time on them, but still manages to do a full body massage -- and sometimes, if you're a really lucky client and she's got some time afterward and can sense your body needs more work -- she goes over a bit. One time I was in such bad shape that by the time I was standing and trying to get my pants on it was 20 minutes after the hour. 

Loree is certified in all kinds of massage, stone therapy, reflexology, etc. She is even certified in prenatal (which I did every 8-10 weeks of my pregnancy thankfully). 

The new person I tried today was solid. She had a little map where I circled my "problem areas." Her pressure was good and she touched all the areas that I had circled. But she didn't get down and dirty into them. I left relaxed in the sense that her awesome head massage for a good part of the beginning was really quite wonderful. But when it comes to releasing tension from stress and dealing with the almost 20-year injury I've had in my lower back from playing soccer as a kid, she didn't quite hit it. It was worth the 50 percent discounted price of $30, but I think I'll stick with Loree. I'll have to work it into the budget sooner than later. She's $62 an hour.

3.) Okay, I'm going to nap. We'll see if I wake up someone else besides the Bitter Bitch of Puerto Rico.

Hormonal meltdown

I am in a terrible mood. I don't want to do anything. But I have lots to do.

MacTroll waved his hands at me and ran up the stairs to escape. Rogers is bringing Curious J over so we can hang out. Apparently, she's in a mood too. So much so that Mr. Rogers had to run out and get her some ice cream last night so she'd be in a better mood. 

Maybe it's the heat?