Tonight X-man and I made a date to go to the YMCA at 8 p.m., so that he could go down the water slide one last time before our membership expires on June 13th. I would not normally have him out that late, but it's the only time the water slide is open during the week.
He had a friend over, so I ran upstairs and grabbed him a suit and a couple towels, got changed and was ready when our neighbor came to retrieve his son.
X-man threw on his flip flops and off we went.
We got there and he went into the changing room. He asked for help. I went in to help him and pulled the suit up. It was a suit I ordered from Mini Boden one day when I was feeling splurgy.
Anyway, the suit isn't baggy like all the one's at Target. It doesn't go to his knees. It goes to mid-thigh. He freaked out. "I look like a girl!"
Apparently, only girls show thigh. I explained to him that he looked fine, but he kept trying to pull the legs down, which meant that the top part of his privates were going to be exposed. I explained that once he got in the water, no one would see him.
He was too embarrassed. We ended up driving back home, getting another suit, and driving back to the Y. By the time we got into the pool after the 20 minutes of him falling apart as to weather we should go home and get another suit or stay and use the shorter one, it was 8:45 p.m. He went down the slide once, and then they randomly closed it. The schedule said the slide would be open from 8-10 p.m.
Oh well.
We played in the water a lot. It was fun. I like going swimming with him. He wore his little green band that showed that he passed his annual swim test with pride. He showed me his awesome dives into the deep end. He timed me swimming 25 yard sprints. We tried to say words under the water and understand what the other was saying.
Then, X-man looked around at 9:15 p.m., and said. "Mom, where did everyone go?"
It was just us and two guards. "Where are the grown ups?"
It's late buddy. So at 9:30 p.m., we got out and went back home. I read him Shark Vs. Train (even though he can read it himself, he still likes me to read picture books and usually chapter books at bedtime). And he was out like a light at 10 p.m., 30 minutes past his normal "summer bedtime."
And that short, Mini Boden suit for 7-8 year olds... is totally out the door.
I really didn't mean to make him uncomfortable and embarrassed. He had one just like it when he was 4 with alligators on it that he loved. But at 7, I guess, not so much.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Not Alone
X-man got in the car yesterday after playing at the park. I watched him for 30 minutes wander between two groups of children, trying to find a place to fit in. It took him most of the first semester to learn to like playing tag, so if there's a game, he wants in on it. I love tag -- because I get to watch him run. He does this interesting thing with his arms. Instead of making fists, like I see so many runners do on the road, he extends his fingers out, but keeps them all together. You see sprinters do this or hurdlers. But he doesn't bend his head down for speed. Instead, he stays upright, and kind of swishes his hands in front of him front and back rather than using his whole arms.
Anyway, the version of tag going on was really a first grader chasing a fourth grader and a group swirling around them trying to intervene to help the fourth grader escape. But since he was a 10 year old escaping a 7 year old, there really wasn't much to do in the intervention process besides run along side. X-man, trying to figure out why the other kids thought this was fun, kept interjecting. "I want to play. What are we playing? How do we play?"
One of the fourth graders finds X-man annoying because he talks so much. But no one is stopping to explain to him the game, so he just keeps chatting. He disappears checking on other kids in the playground to see if they're doing anything he's interested in. But he keeps going back to that group, because he's 7 -- and he has Big-Boy-itis, pretty badly (wants to play with the older kids).
He got mad when I said it was time to leave. But then I pointed out that three of the other families were also leaving and he relented and avoided a tantrum.
Then we get to the car and he says, "Mom, I'm not going to get to go to the Kindness Café on Thursday."
The Kindness Café is a lunch that is served to children in his class if they accrue enough "kindness" tallies. In hopes of inspiring the children to be nicer to each other, it was an award system created at the beginning of April by his teacher. It's a fundamentally good idea, but difficult for X-man. Because what he sometimes labels as kindness -- doesn't come off as such. Shouting at people to not run in the hall so that they don't get in trouble, doesn't feel kind to the person being shouted at. They don't understand that his intention is for them to avoid getting in trouble. And indeed, X-man also thinks that just by following the pre-set rules he is being kind, when really, he's just doing what he's supposed to do.
His main issue though comes in how the "kindness" tallies are received. Your teacher can give them to you, but so can other students. And in his skilled observation, X-man has noticed that people have friends giving them tallies at the end of the day, but he says he doesn't have really close friends. He has one, who he loves, but she's a girl, so according to X-man she only speaks up for the other girls. He seemed slightly frustrated with that, but in the end he forgives her because in truth, the boys really only give kindness tallies to other boys. His -- he says -- have all come from his teacher, who recognizes that he's trying in his own way, but that his kindness really doesn't translate to the other children.
So we had a big conversation about why he doesn't belong. He listed three cliques at school and says he sometimes plays with two of the three. The third, he said, has kids who generally spend a lot of time getting in arguments and going to the principal's office, and he understands that as a bad thing, so he doesn't want to get mixed up in it, but one on one those kids are fine.
But he asks me why he doesn't really have a place to fit in. Is it because no one likes him? I told him that I think that sometimes people have a hard time seeing the world the way he does. And that often times, his tone is rougher than he realizes. But that in the good column, if he isn't a core member of any of those groups, that means he's pretty open minded because he plays with everyone.
He smiles a bit. Then he asks, "Why is it people have playdates at our house, but never invite us to theirs?"
I don't have a real answer for this. Not one I can put my finger on. All I know is that in all of my reading with kids who exhibit social disorders, is that this is a common situation. When neurotypical kids develop in kindergarten and start to understand that your child isn't typical, they stop inviting them over. The birthday parties invites for kids your child has known since he was born stop, too. And this isn't just on the kid front, it's on the parent front, too. It doesn't make it an easy situation for anyone.
I've been reading the book, "Easy to Love, Hard to Raise: Real Parents, Challenging Kids, True Stories" by Kay Marner and Adrienne Ehlert Bashista. And it's been kind of nice to read these stories about quirky kids, regardless of their labels and the insane lives their parents lead just trying to get through each day, let alone wondering if their children will be able to function at 23 without parents (usually Mom) there to translate their unique ways to the outside world and vice versa. (For the record, most of them seem to function just fine later in life.)
Without a doubt, speaking X-man has become my key role in life these days.
In the opening sections of the book, which is a collection of essays written by parents, one of the editors brings up the overall idea of what these parents go through. I'd like to share it...
"Like so many girls and young women, Eve has a fantasy of parenthood, formed during childhood play, and reinforced through years of romantic musings. Finally, it's her turn to live the fantasy. Her son, Eli, is born (or adopted). Eve's a mother!
Before long Eve is confused. Although she loves him, the experience of parenting this child is nothing like she thought it would be...He won't follow directions, has violent tantrums, sometimes for little or no apparent reason. He never wants to slow down enough to eat. He doesn't share or take turns at playgroup. Eve would love to connect with other mothers there, but she is unable to relax and talk with them, because she's constantly chasing, correcting, and redirecting Eli. Neither of them is getting anything positive out of it. They quit going.
Eve had expected standard discipline tactics to work with Eli, but they just don't. She's frustrated and angry, with Eli and herself. She reads parenting book after parenting book, and tries strategy after strategy. Nothing works. And when they don't, Eve blames herself. Eve starts to question her ability to parent.
The idea that Eve is at fault is reinforced by others. Family members, friends, the parents of her child's peers, his teachers -- even strangers in the grocery store -- are critical of her parenting abilities. Eve is far from a lazy parent; in fact, she has no choice but to work harder than most, but her efforts aren't reflected in her child's behavior for others to see. Some people express their criticism of Eve outright. Others show their disapproval through their expressions, their reactions.
Eve often feels shame in situations where other adults can observe her with Eli, and she starts to withdraw from her former supports. She begins to feel isolated...
Something about this child is different. Something is wrong.
The first inkling cements into valid concern around the time Eli starts preschool, and then kindergarten, when he is expected to conform to more rules. According to his teachers, Eli can't sit still on his carpet square, keep his hands and feet to himself, or color inside the lines...
Eve begins the search for someone to diagnose Eli's problems, unaware that this is just the beginning...
Eli's peers seem to mature more quickly. They stop inviting him to birthday parties. He joins Scouts, but quits because he feels excluded. No one plays with him at recess. Sometimes he's teased or bullied. Eve aches for him. Her pain is as palpable as Eli's own.
Eve's isolation grows in tandem with her child's. Since Eli isn't invited to sleepovers, doesn't excel at team sports, and isn't part of various other groups, Eve's not part of the mom cliques that surround these activities...
Finally, Eli's problems reach crisis proportions. He sees himself as reflected by those around him -- bad, unlikable, stupid. Eve can no longer sit back and watch this happen.. In addition to ADHD, Eli has a mood disorder (or OCD, Tourette's syndrome, autism an eating disorder...)...
By now, Eve is no longer trying to "fix" Eli's problems, to "cure" his condition. Instead, she focuses on finding coping skills and tools to help him... Eve also opens up to a few others about some of Eli's symptoms, and how he deals with them. When there's no shame, there's no secret. When there's no secret, there's no shame."
It's just a creative sample at the beginning of the book, but many of the essay share bits and pieces of what I have found parenthood to be. Most of all, though, over the past two years, I've found it very isolating. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is I do or don't do that makes it incredibly hard for me to be close to people. I think people just get sick of hearing about what I'm fixated on at that particular moment. But that's what I'm dealing with. That's what is affecting me most, emotionally. And it's hard not to talk about it. But when there's no one to talk about it with, you learn to be quiet.
At least until someone gives your kid this sideways look at the park. And you realize the "few" people you talk about your son with are also parents of "quirky" kids.
Suddenly, you're not alone. But you're definitely on an island. Others are either on islands within shouting distance or they're sailing by on boats of their own trying to shout their stories as their own kiddos keep them on their toes.
This is the part about being a parent that is so hard. Advocating for him, so that he has someone, when you, as a parent, often feel like you don't have anyone at all. So I hope, that as he gets older, he finds someone else, quirky like him, that he can spend his life with.
Cause I gotta tell you, I am thankful every day, that MacTroll is as wacky as I am, and that we're over our heads in this together.
Anyway, the version of tag going on was really a first grader chasing a fourth grader and a group swirling around them trying to intervene to help the fourth grader escape. But since he was a 10 year old escaping a 7 year old, there really wasn't much to do in the intervention process besides run along side. X-man, trying to figure out why the other kids thought this was fun, kept interjecting. "I want to play. What are we playing? How do we play?"
One of the fourth graders finds X-man annoying because he talks so much. But no one is stopping to explain to him the game, so he just keeps chatting. He disappears checking on other kids in the playground to see if they're doing anything he's interested in. But he keeps going back to that group, because he's 7 -- and he has Big-Boy-itis, pretty badly (wants to play with the older kids).
He got mad when I said it was time to leave. But then I pointed out that three of the other families were also leaving and he relented and avoided a tantrum.
Then we get to the car and he says, "Mom, I'm not going to get to go to the Kindness Café on Thursday."
The Kindness Café is a lunch that is served to children in his class if they accrue enough "kindness" tallies. In hopes of inspiring the children to be nicer to each other, it was an award system created at the beginning of April by his teacher. It's a fundamentally good idea, but difficult for X-man. Because what he sometimes labels as kindness -- doesn't come off as such. Shouting at people to not run in the hall so that they don't get in trouble, doesn't feel kind to the person being shouted at. They don't understand that his intention is for them to avoid getting in trouble. And indeed, X-man also thinks that just by following the pre-set rules he is being kind, when really, he's just doing what he's supposed to do.
His main issue though comes in how the "kindness" tallies are received. Your teacher can give them to you, but so can other students. And in his skilled observation, X-man has noticed that people have friends giving them tallies at the end of the day, but he says he doesn't have really close friends. He has one, who he loves, but she's a girl, so according to X-man she only speaks up for the other girls. He seemed slightly frustrated with that, but in the end he forgives her because in truth, the boys really only give kindness tallies to other boys. His -- he says -- have all come from his teacher, who recognizes that he's trying in his own way, but that his kindness really doesn't translate to the other children.
So we had a big conversation about why he doesn't belong. He listed three cliques at school and says he sometimes plays with two of the three. The third, he said, has kids who generally spend a lot of time getting in arguments and going to the principal's office, and he understands that as a bad thing, so he doesn't want to get mixed up in it, but one on one those kids are fine.
But he asks me why he doesn't really have a place to fit in. Is it because no one likes him? I told him that I think that sometimes people have a hard time seeing the world the way he does. And that often times, his tone is rougher than he realizes. But that in the good column, if he isn't a core member of any of those groups, that means he's pretty open minded because he plays with everyone.
He smiles a bit. Then he asks, "Why is it people have playdates at our house, but never invite us to theirs?"
I don't have a real answer for this. Not one I can put my finger on. All I know is that in all of my reading with kids who exhibit social disorders, is that this is a common situation. When neurotypical kids develop in kindergarten and start to understand that your child isn't typical, they stop inviting them over. The birthday parties invites for kids your child has known since he was born stop, too. And this isn't just on the kid front, it's on the parent front, too. It doesn't make it an easy situation for anyone.
I've been reading the book, "Easy to Love, Hard to Raise: Real Parents, Challenging Kids, True Stories" by Kay Marner and Adrienne Ehlert Bashista. And it's been kind of nice to read these stories about quirky kids, regardless of their labels and the insane lives their parents lead just trying to get through each day, let alone wondering if their children will be able to function at 23 without parents (usually Mom) there to translate their unique ways to the outside world and vice versa. (For the record, most of them seem to function just fine later in life.)
Without a doubt, speaking X-man has become my key role in life these days.
In the opening sections of the book, which is a collection of essays written by parents, one of the editors brings up the overall idea of what these parents go through. I'd like to share it...
"Like so many girls and young women, Eve has a fantasy of parenthood, formed during childhood play, and reinforced through years of romantic musings. Finally, it's her turn to live the fantasy. Her son, Eli, is born (or adopted). Eve's a mother!
Before long Eve is confused. Although she loves him, the experience of parenting this child is nothing like she thought it would be...He won't follow directions, has violent tantrums, sometimes for little or no apparent reason. He never wants to slow down enough to eat. He doesn't share or take turns at playgroup. Eve would love to connect with other mothers there, but she is unable to relax and talk with them, because she's constantly chasing, correcting, and redirecting Eli. Neither of them is getting anything positive out of it. They quit going.
Eve had expected standard discipline tactics to work with Eli, but they just don't. She's frustrated and angry, with Eli and herself. She reads parenting book after parenting book, and tries strategy after strategy. Nothing works. And when they don't, Eve blames herself. Eve starts to question her ability to parent.
The idea that Eve is at fault is reinforced by others. Family members, friends, the parents of her child's peers, his teachers -- even strangers in the grocery store -- are critical of her parenting abilities. Eve is far from a lazy parent; in fact, she has no choice but to work harder than most, but her efforts aren't reflected in her child's behavior for others to see. Some people express their criticism of Eve outright. Others show their disapproval through their expressions, their reactions.
Eve often feels shame in situations where other adults can observe her with Eli, and she starts to withdraw from her former supports. She begins to feel isolated...
Something about this child is different. Something is wrong.
The first inkling cements into valid concern around the time Eli starts preschool, and then kindergarten, when he is expected to conform to more rules. According to his teachers, Eli can't sit still on his carpet square, keep his hands and feet to himself, or color inside the lines...
Eve begins the search for someone to diagnose Eli's problems, unaware that this is just the beginning...
Eli's peers seem to mature more quickly. They stop inviting him to birthday parties. He joins Scouts, but quits because he feels excluded. No one plays with him at recess. Sometimes he's teased or bullied. Eve aches for him. Her pain is as palpable as Eli's own.
Eve's isolation grows in tandem with her child's. Since Eli isn't invited to sleepovers, doesn't excel at team sports, and isn't part of various other groups, Eve's not part of the mom cliques that surround these activities...
Finally, Eli's problems reach crisis proportions. He sees himself as reflected by those around him -- bad, unlikable, stupid. Eve can no longer sit back and watch this happen.. In addition to ADHD, Eli has a mood disorder (or OCD, Tourette's syndrome, autism an eating disorder...)...
By now, Eve is no longer trying to "fix" Eli's problems, to "cure" his condition. Instead, she focuses on finding coping skills and tools to help him... Eve also opens up to a few others about some of Eli's symptoms, and how he deals with them. When there's no shame, there's no secret. When there's no secret, there's no shame."
It's just a creative sample at the beginning of the book, but many of the essay share bits and pieces of what I have found parenthood to be. Most of all, though, over the past two years, I've found it very isolating. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is I do or don't do that makes it incredibly hard for me to be close to people. I think people just get sick of hearing about what I'm fixated on at that particular moment. But that's what I'm dealing with. That's what is affecting me most, emotionally. And it's hard not to talk about it. But when there's no one to talk about it with, you learn to be quiet.
At least until someone gives your kid this sideways look at the park. And you realize the "few" people you talk about your son with are also parents of "quirky" kids.
Suddenly, you're not alone. But you're definitely on an island. Others are either on islands within shouting distance or they're sailing by on boats of their own trying to shout their stories as their own kiddos keep them on their toes.
This is the part about being a parent that is so hard. Advocating for him, so that he has someone, when you, as a parent, often feel like you don't have anyone at all. So I hope, that as he gets older, he finds someone else, quirky like him, that he can spend his life with.
Cause I gotta tell you, I am thankful every day, that MacTroll is as wacky as I am, and that we're over our heads in this together.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
The "Too Much" Problem
Last Friday, X-man had a hard OT appointment. He couldn't be motivated to do anything. He got up and left the table. He whined. He bitched. He was an all over hot mess. I know that our OT has worked with many, many kids with different learning disabilities and developmental disabilities, so she's worked with all kinds of kids. But my kid was stubborn and rude and really, it was all I could do not to blow up at him. She was calm and encouraging but firm. But it was frustrating for everyone.
After she left, I was ready to take everything in the world away from him for being so awful. I sent him to his room so that I could sit down and think about how to get through to him that we all understand that fine motor skills are hard for him. But being an obstinate jackass just makes things worse.
MacTroll and I called him down and we talked to him about his behavior. Of course, there were lots of promises not to be disrespectful and about how sorry he was and about how he just got so angry about having to constantly be reminded to start his letters from the top and to bump lines and that he hates that he never seems to naturally do it right.
And then instead of hearing that we were taking electronics away, he heard me say, "Well, now you get to do more fine motor skills every day."
This was not what he had thought was going to happen. If it's too hard to sit in a chair after school and do one more hour of pretty fun stuff (she has games and sensory items and made-for-X-man writing sheets) to work on something he needs help with, then apparently, we need to do more, so that it comes easier to him when he's doing it with her on Fridays.
We're on day 3 of that plan, and so far it's going okay. MacTroll and I made a list of two weeks of fine motor activities for him. And then, depending what kind of homework he's doing, we grab something off the list that is different.
For example, yesterday he came home and had to cut triangles for homework and do some math facts with them. Then he had to write his spelling words. So it would have been too much to give him more writing or cutting to do. So instead, I pulled out a 211 piece Star Wars puzzle and sat with him and talked Star Wars with him. This was more like playing with Mom than doing fine motor skills (Ms. K has her own Star Wars puzzle that she brought for him to play with once).
Today, we'll do his spelling words using Bananagram letter pieces, he'll write his math homework and then we're going to cut out pictures in magazines for a collage project. I bought 7 10x10" canvases for us to use. He's got stacks of children's magazines, so I thought we'd collage a bit to take art to the new house whenever we move. And then we could recycle the rest of the magazines.
There's a fine line that we're walking here about how to get him the services he needs without overwhelming him and making him happy. At the same time, I'm hoping that he's understanding that we're not doing all of this to torture him, but how important being able to do things like twist open a cap on a water bottle (without using your teeth) and tie your shoes and those kinds of things are. I think he's afraid he'll never be able to do them. And sometimes, in our rush to get from place to place, he hands me the bottle and uses "Please" and I instantly do it for him. It's easier. It doesn't start any fights or whining. But then on the other hand, it helps continue a problem.
Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.
After she left, I was ready to take everything in the world away from him for being so awful. I sent him to his room so that I could sit down and think about how to get through to him that we all understand that fine motor skills are hard for him. But being an obstinate jackass just makes things worse.
MacTroll and I called him down and we talked to him about his behavior. Of course, there were lots of promises not to be disrespectful and about how sorry he was and about how he just got so angry about having to constantly be reminded to start his letters from the top and to bump lines and that he hates that he never seems to naturally do it right.
And then instead of hearing that we were taking electronics away, he heard me say, "Well, now you get to do more fine motor skills every day."
This was not what he had thought was going to happen. If it's too hard to sit in a chair after school and do one more hour of pretty fun stuff (she has games and sensory items and made-for-X-man writing sheets) to work on something he needs help with, then apparently, we need to do more, so that it comes easier to him when he's doing it with her on Fridays.
We're on day 3 of that plan, and so far it's going okay. MacTroll and I made a list of two weeks of fine motor activities for him. And then, depending what kind of homework he's doing, we grab something off the list that is different.
For example, yesterday he came home and had to cut triangles for homework and do some math facts with them. Then he had to write his spelling words. So it would have been too much to give him more writing or cutting to do. So instead, I pulled out a 211 piece Star Wars puzzle and sat with him and talked Star Wars with him. This was more like playing with Mom than doing fine motor skills (Ms. K has her own Star Wars puzzle that she brought for him to play with once).
Today, we'll do his spelling words using Bananagram letter pieces, he'll write his math homework and then we're going to cut out pictures in magazines for a collage project. I bought 7 10x10" canvases for us to use. He's got stacks of children's magazines, so I thought we'd collage a bit to take art to the new house whenever we move. And then we could recycle the rest of the magazines.
There's a fine line that we're walking here about how to get him the services he needs without overwhelming him and making him happy. At the same time, I'm hoping that he's understanding that we're not doing all of this to torture him, but how important being able to do things like twist open a cap on a water bottle (without using your teeth) and tie your shoes and those kinds of things are. I think he's afraid he'll never be able to do them. And sometimes, in our rush to get from place to place, he hands me the bottle and uses "Please" and I instantly do it for him. It's easier. It doesn't start any fights or whining. But then on the other hand, it helps continue a problem.
Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Restrictions
My child has always been a kid who would rather run around outside pretending to put out fires on a playground or to play spy around the neighborhood than sit inside. He has always reserved his indoor play to his precious Lego pretend play time or to work with playdough or to do games on his iPad. Until the Lego Wii games came into our house...
We received our dud of a Wii U back in the mail the other day. It is now all set up and playable. We only have one new game that's Wii U specific. Tanks! Tanks! Tanks! Basically, you go around saving the city by shooting down mechanical monsters in your tank. You can work as a team, or you can go into a training ground and fight against one another (again, you can do it by yourself with the computer or in teams).
And on Saturday, I realized while I was washing walls and marking them with painter's tape, that X-man was spending too much time this vacation in front of a screen. What's the difference between the Wii and his iPad. Well, honestly, when he plays the iPad he often plays educational games. It's hard to argue when a kid spends 45 minutes doing a Ms. Frizzle Magic School Bus book or when he's working on spelling words in a spelling game or when he's fitting tangrams into a design in a math game.
The video game situation was becoming obsessive, so I imposed time restrictions. At first he was really upset. But today, he is actually planning out his time. He ran down the street to see if his friend could come over and play. He had to go get a haircut first, but when he was done, he'd be down. X-man is excited to have him come over and play the Wii U, so he's saving all of his Wii U time for when the friend is here.
In addition, he's excited about giving his Wii to Awesome. Once we got all the files from the other games transferred over, he felt it was safe to separate with the old console. So we'll be getting that ready, too.
I can't really say that the obsession is any different than when my parents first got us an Atari when I was six. I'm pretty sure I spent hours after hours playing Ms. Pac-Man, River Raid, Frogger and Centipede. None of that was educational, either. That's what our Commodore 64 was for.
:-) I totally just dated myself. And that's okay!
We received our dud of a Wii U back in the mail the other day. It is now all set up and playable. We only have one new game that's Wii U specific. Tanks! Tanks! Tanks! Basically, you go around saving the city by shooting down mechanical monsters in your tank. You can work as a team, or you can go into a training ground and fight against one another (again, you can do it by yourself with the computer or in teams).
And on Saturday, I realized while I was washing walls and marking them with painter's tape, that X-man was spending too much time this vacation in front of a screen. What's the difference between the Wii and his iPad. Well, honestly, when he plays the iPad he often plays educational games. It's hard to argue when a kid spends 45 minutes doing a Ms. Frizzle Magic School Bus book or when he's working on spelling words in a spelling game or when he's fitting tangrams into a design in a math game.
The video game situation was becoming obsessive, so I imposed time restrictions. At first he was really upset. But today, he is actually planning out his time. He ran down the street to see if his friend could come over and play. He had to go get a haircut first, but when he was done, he'd be down. X-man is excited to have him come over and play the Wii U, so he's saving all of his Wii U time for when the friend is here.
In addition, he's excited about giving his Wii to Awesome. Once we got all the files from the other games transferred over, he felt it was safe to separate with the old console. So we'll be getting that ready, too.
I can't really say that the obsession is any different than when my parents first got us an Atari when I was six. I'm pretty sure I spent hours after hours playing Ms. Pac-Man, River Raid, Frogger and Centipede. None of that was educational, either. That's what our Commodore 64 was for.
:-) I totally just dated myself. And that's okay!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Sad Mama
You know, I have moms that I love. There are kids that I love. And I knew early on when I was touring the "Mom" groups that there was probably going to be a time when I was going to love a mom and not be so wild about her kid or I was going to love a kid and not be so wild about her mom.
But never did I think that the situation was going to be me being wild about someone's kid AND her mom, but having the two kids suddenly not get a long. It's not one child's fault over the other. They just suddenly started bickering like Statler and Waldorf, except they started getting after each other rather than other people. I talked to MacTroll and X-man about it and then I called my friend to see if she was noticing it, too. I asked if she thought the kids needed a break because they see each other every day. And she agreed.
I really like X-man's friend and his parents, but together, right now, the kids are not getting along, and the other mom hit a nail on the head when she said, "I don't want to force them to be together if they're not getting along and are both miserable."
My hope is that after break, one of them will ask for a play date. But we both agreed it should be on their terms.
But when I hung up the phone, I felt like I'd done the right thing, but I still felt really sad. I think the other mom felt that way, too.
But never did I think that the situation was going to be me being wild about someone's kid AND her mom, but having the two kids suddenly not get a long. It's not one child's fault over the other. They just suddenly started bickering like Statler and Waldorf, except they started getting after each other rather than other people. I talked to MacTroll and X-man about it and then I called my friend to see if she was noticing it, too. I asked if she thought the kids needed a break because they see each other every day. And she agreed.
I really like X-man's friend and his parents, but together, right now, the kids are not getting along, and the other mom hit a nail on the head when she said, "I don't want to force them to be together if they're not getting along and are both miserable."
My hope is that after break, one of them will ask for a play date. But we both agreed it should be on their terms.
But when I hung up the phone, I felt like I'd done the right thing, but I still felt really sad. I think the other mom felt that way, too.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Extinction
I have to admit that I am a bit -- sentimental.
I saved my Care Bear record player and records for my child. X-man listened to them until he was 4 and the needle broke. He didn't play too rough with it... It was just -- brittle.
I saved my Cabbage Patch Kids for my child to play with. He did, until he was 4, and only wanted to pretend play with superheroes.
I saved my USA Hot Wheels Car set for my child to play with, until he turned 6, and lost interest in his Hot Wheels and only wanted to build cars out of Legos.
He's watched episodes of the Brady Bunch and Dif'rent Strokes. He's in the middle of a Star Wars craze.
And I have to admit that for one minute today both MacTroll and I wondered if we should run out and buy Twinkies so that X-man could try one before they were no more. I thought better of it...
I do find it a bit funny though that the only way to really extinct a Twinkie is to not make them any more, particularly since one can exist forever without getting moldy.
I saved my Care Bear record player and records for my child. X-man listened to them until he was 4 and the needle broke. He didn't play too rough with it... It was just -- brittle.
I saved my Cabbage Patch Kids for my child to play with. He did, until he was 4, and only wanted to pretend play with superheroes.
I saved my USA Hot Wheels Car set for my child to play with, until he turned 6, and lost interest in his Hot Wheels and only wanted to build cars out of Legos.
He's watched episodes of the Brady Bunch and Dif'rent Strokes. He's in the middle of a Star Wars craze.
And I have to admit that for one minute today both MacTroll and I wondered if we should run out and buy Twinkies so that X-man could try one before they were no more. I thought better of it...
I do find it a bit funny though that the only way to really extinct a Twinkie is to not make them any more, particularly since one can exist forever without getting moldy.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
A Day To Celebrate
Today, X-man had a series of awesome.
The first is the math he loved doing after school today with the Mathman. X-man is learning division. Check it out. His handwriting (the top numbers) looks pretty lovely, too. It's funny. There are days where he has bad days, and he just can't get himself together to make it to soccer, but he's always happy to go see Mr. Cohen. And I like that. He's like a little math sponge, and he likes it that way. There's no agenda when he goes, just to learn and enjoy it.
The first is the math he loved doing after school today with the Mathman. X-man is learning division. Check it out. His handwriting (the top numbers) looks pretty lovely, too. It's funny. There are days where he has bad days, and he just can't get himself together to make it to soccer, but he's always happy to go see Mr. Cohen. And I like that. He's like a little math sponge, and he likes it that way. There's no agenda when he goes, just to learn and enjoy it.
The second excitement today was that X-man reached 50 "Terrific Notes." He missed five days of school when we went to Maine in August, so he didn't get those, and he got too many tally marks (you have to have less than five to have a terrific note) on three other days. I was very proud of his work, so I made him a big yellow star to post with it. X-man does his chores around the house with the idea of getting allowance. But I did tell him at the beginning of the year when he brought his first note home, that if he got to 50 notes, he could pick out something special from the Toy Store. So tomorrow after seeing the behavioral therapist, we'll head up to north. I suspect it will take a while for him to pick something out (so many toys under a limited dollar constraint is hard work when you're 6 -- especially if you divide it up between two or three items and your Mother makes you work the money math!), so we're going to eat dinner up there, too. Then I'll take the notes down, and we'll start all over.
The "oooh aaah" Wednesday item is that X-man's teachers gave him a new anxiety chart today. The theory is that he feels from a 0 to 3. A 0 means he's pretty happy and something good is happening. A 1 is that he got a tally or someone bumped him or did something that was annoying or bothersome. A 2 is when someone makes fun of him or he gets privileges revoked for making poor choices. This is when he starts to escalate. And a 3 is when he's really hurt, bleeding or being bullied. The chart gives him a sense of how his day is really going. It also requires him to tally what is happening emotionally and when so that he knows when he's escalating and can use some of the calming techniques we've taught him from April. (We sent his spinner and breathing card to school in case the teachers wanted to use it.) The idea being that by being responsible for his chart, he'll be able to communicate better what he's feeling before his feelings get the best of him.
This is what the chart looks like. You'll see that he wasn't hurt or bullied today (hooray) but that even though MANY good things happened, the number of annoying or frustrating feelings he had through the day was pretty much double the good things. I asked about some of the things that happened in the 2 level. Three of them were people making fun of him. I asked him if he missed activities. He said no, but he said other problems that made him feel really sad and frustrated (everyone talking in class out of turn, someone purposely stepping on his foot, not feeling listened to, etc.). It helped him though because he came home today with one of those special pencils that he missed out on yesterday and had no tallies. Hooray!
The last item has nothing to do with X-man, but it had to do with my mail today. I would like to issue an apology to the trees of the world. I know it's Christmas time, but it took two hands to carry my mail into the house today, and many catalogs (Zingerman's I mean you!) are going straight into the recycling pile.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
"Oooh, he's learning binary!"
MacTroll got home from Anaheim last night at around 9:30 p.m. Papa, X-man and I were all in bed and, boy, were we pooped. It had been an exciting Halloween.
** Update **
X-man gets home from his play date. I give him his spelling words. He misses the "l" in plum and the "c" in duck. But the other six words are perfect. I show him the sheet that came home.
Loosey: "Did you do this today?"
This afternoon after MacTroll picked up JR and X-man and walked them home, JR invited X-man into play. So, MacTroll came home and brought in the mail while the boys had a play date. He dropped off some sobering paperwork. For the last three days, I've been spelling words with X-man for a test on Friday. The first time I created a worksheet where each of his spelling words was missing one or two letters, so he had to really listen for the sounds. He got all of the words right. The next day, I busted out the foam letters. I read the words to him and he found the letters and spelled them in front of him. He only had one upside down letter and forgot the "c" in duck.
Then yesterday, after school, I asked him to verbally spell the words to me. He got them all right except duck, again. But today, in a spelling "check" he misspelled all the words. He inserted the short "o" rather than the "u" in everything. It was really, really strange. The test was on white paper, which is hard for him to write on. And I got frustrated. Why is what he showing me at home not translating to the writing? When he gets home from his play date, I'll have him write the words again, and see how he does. But it worries me. I've been in constant chatter with his teachers about the spelling issues. And they are very supportive and encouraging and tell me that I'm doing some great work with him, but it's not getting consistent results, especially for him in the classroom. I was changing the ways we did them (rather than just tracing words or verbal/writing tests) to keep things interesting and limit complaining. No one likes to feel stupid. And when he gets things wrong, it deeply affects his self-esteem. And in turn, seeing your child take a nose dive, doesn't do anything good for the Mom's esteem either. My little man is totally working his little butt off, and it sucks to see him have to work so hard for things that come so naturally to other children both in terms of the writing issue and the socialization issues. But he totally has a heart of gold. He keeps on trying and he pours everything he's got into it.
Then I showed MacTroll the math fun that X-man brought home from Mathman yesterday. To me, it was a math game that X-man took from Mr. Cohen's house in NW Champaign all the way back to our driveway to explain how to play to me (remind me that he probably won't grow up to be an instruction manual writer), but in the end, he got it. And we played.
There are five grids of numbers in boxes labeled A through E. You have to pick a number in your head 1-31 and then tell the "quizzer" what lettered boxes it is in. Then the "quizzer" adds up the first number in the first row in the upper left hand corner of each box and -- surprise -- you get the number in the person's mind.
I showed it to MacTroll and he sat down on my scooter and seemed impressed that X-man was working in binary. "What? I thought binary was just a bunch of 0s and 1s?"
MacTroll got excited, because he likes it when he knows more about something than I do, so he sat down and explained binary to me. Now we're all in the know.
And I guess I need to pay more attention when I do things because Christie Clinic had to send back my check to pay for my surgery because the number in the check box didn't match the one I wrote out.
Oops!
** Update **
X-man gets home from his play date. I give him his spelling words. He misses the "l" in plum and the "c" in duck. But the other six words are perfect. I show him the sheet that came home.
Loosey: "Did you do this today?"
X-man: "No, that was from a long, long time ago." (Which probably means it was his pre-test on the spelling words on Monday. Now I feel all kinds of silly for being so frustrated.)
Lesson learned -- I just need to calm the heck down.
Lesson learned -- I just need to calm the heck down.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Six Year Old Lip
MacTroll's been in charge of everything for a week, and today he looked like he was going to take someone's head off. The boys weren't home much between going to therapy, getting Culver's for dinner and then attending X-man's open house at his school. But when they got home, X-man was exhausted. He ran downstairs to say hi and talk about things and then when MacTroll was at the top of the stairs, X-man ran over and kneeled on step number two. Then his brain must have told him to sit, because he leaned back and fell down two steps onto his butt. He falls a lot when he's tired, except usually it's off the giant sofa or the dinner chair.
MacTroll let him watch TV for a minute while he talked to me. And then I asked if X-man had done his homework yet.
MacTroll went upstairs to do some dishes and facilitate homework and bed time. And X-man protested. He said a bunch of words that I'm sure, if we were in an episode of Mad Men and MacTroll was Betty Draper, would have gotten X-man slapped across the kisser. (It was something equating the idea that his father could go upstairs and kill himself before X-man was going to go up to go to bed. Instead he was going to be defiant and watch TV. -- Not a surprise that he didn't get his way.)
I only heard MacTroll raise his voice once today when he was trying to get X-man out the door on time for the open house. But there has been a lot of groaning. And it's been a full day.
Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday, and at least the business stuff can take a backseat. But I think I'll lay low.
MacTroll let him watch TV for a minute while he talked to me. And then I asked if X-man had done his homework yet.
MacTroll went upstairs to do some dishes and facilitate homework and bed time. And X-man protested. He said a bunch of words that I'm sure, if we were in an episode of Mad Men and MacTroll was Betty Draper, would have gotten X-man slapped across the kisser. (It was something equating the idea that his father could go upstairs and kill himself before X-man was going to go up to go to bed. Instead he was going to be defiant and watch TV. -- Not a surprise that he didn't get his way.)
I only heard MacTroll raise his voice once today when he was trying to get X-man out the door on time for the open house. But there has been a lot of groaning. And it's been a full day.
Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday, and at least the business stuff can take a backseat. But I think I'll lay low.
Monday, August 20, 2012
"Let's Make a Deal"
When Wayne Brady retires, X-man will be very happy to fill in his shoes. Because I swear that every day for the last month, whenever something isn't going the way he wants it I hear the phrase, "Let's Make a Deal."
Sometimes the deals are in place of what would clearly otherwise be a tantrum. "If I get the toy I brought to a play date to leave by myself, you have to give us five extra minutes to play."
No.
Sometimes the deals are cute. "Let's make a deal. What if I can cuddle with you on the couch for one episode of Doc McStuffins and then go pick up my room? Because I love you."
Well, crap. Okay. :-)
Sometimes the deals are insane. "Let's Make a Deal. I'll clear my plate if you buy me the Lego Gold Mining Set (which is like $100)."
No.
I was trying to think about where he might hear let's make a deal... and then I remembered, we use it when we try to come to financial negotiations when we play the iPad version of Monopoly.
Nice.
One more day of summer. He made a special request for our last day together, so I'm trying to fulfill it. I'll take pictures tomorrow.
Sometimes the deals are in place of what would clearly otherwise be a tantrum. "If I get the toy I brought to a play date to leave by myself, you have to give us five extra minutes to play."
No.
Sometimes the deals are cute. "Let's make a deal. What if I can cuddle with you on the couch for one episode of Doc McStuffins and then go pick up my room? Because I love you."
Well, crap. Okay. :-)
Sometimes the deals are insane. "Let's Make a Deal. I'll clear my plate if you buy me the Lego Gold Mining Set (which is like $100)."
No.
I was trying to think about where he might hear let's make a deal... and then I remembered, we use it when we try to come to financial negotiations when we play the iPad version of Monopoly.
Nice.
One more day of summer. He made a special request for our last day together, so I'm trying to fulfill it. I'll take pictures tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Making My Job Easier -- Sort Of
We learned this week that two of our long-time friends are moving away. This is both heartbreaking and comforting to me. It's heartbreaking, because I'll miss not having them around. And comforting, because it helps X-man understand that more people move than just us... the fact that he has to say goodbye to two other families kind of reinforces the fact that it's part of life.
And when he asks if we'll go visit them -- the answer is always -- YES!!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
On the Way to Therapy...
X-man asked me, "Mommy, why at recess do the black kids only play with the black kids and the white kids only play with the white kids?"
"Who do you play with?" I answered.
"I like to play with everyone -- but that's not true for very many other kids."
"Does it happen in your class?"
"Sometimes, but it's better because Mrs. Dramado assigns the centers."
"Out of all of your teachers, which one do you like the best?"
"Mrs. Dramado."
"Why?"
"She didn't give us homework today." :-)
He was very good about leaving the gym today. And he was very good at t-ball practice. Today, MacTroll came back from his meeting in Ft. Lauderdale. He's home for the rest of the weekend. This is technically his only week home in the month of may, even though he was gone for two days of it.
Tomorrow, I took the day off. I think I'm going to hit the gym, then buy soil and compost and finally put together my box gardens. X-man has his kindergarten concert (he's very excited that he has friends who are actors in it) and then at 3 p.m., I'm taking Sally to the vet. I'm getting her shots and vet work done so I can get her ready to hand over to the Catsnap people who are hoping to have a foster home for her as of June 1. I also need to make an appointment for Luke. Even though he's stopped having diarrhea and vomiting, he doesn't appear to be eating as much. He is eating though. He eats wet food and dry food. I just think he's getting to skinny and it's reminding me of Nyssa and her cancer.
So, you know... I had a pet cancer filled 2011. I really hope it's not extending to 2012.
"Who do you play with?" I answered.
"I like to play with everyone -- but that's not true for very many other kids."
"Does it happen in your class?"
"Sometimes, but it's better because Mrs. Dramado assigns the centers."
"Out of all of your teachers, which one do you like the best?"
"Mrs. Dramado."
"Why?"
"She didn't give us homework today." :-)
He was very good about leaving the gym today. And he was very good at t-ball practice. Today, MacTroll came back from his meeting in Ft. Lauderdale. He's home for the rest of the weekend. This is technically his only week home in the month of may, even though he was gone for two days of it.
Tomorrow, I took the day off. I think I'm going to hit the gym, then buy soil and compost and finally put together my box gardens. X-man has his kindergarten concert (he's very excited that he has friends who are actors in it) and then at 3 p.m., I'm taking Sally to the vet. I'm getting her shots and vet work done so I can get her ready to hand over to the Catsnap people who are hoping to have a foster home for her as of June 1. I also need to make an appointment for Luke. Even though he's stopped having diarrhea and vomiting, he doesn't appear to be eating as much. He is eating though. He eats wet food and dry food. I just think he's getting to skinny and it's reminding me of Nyssa and her cancer.
So, you know... I had a pet cancer filled 2011. I really hope it's not extending to 2012.
How am I not an alcoholic?
X-man's been having moderate, sudden freak outs lately. Monday, it was over a misplaced Pokemon card that he had to have on the ride to school or the world would end.
Then at library time, his librarian showed the class Charlie and Lola. It's a video we own and that X-man has seen since he was 1. There's an episode where Lola and her friend, Lotta, agree to care for Sizzles the dog. And, of course, they break the owner's one rule about not letting the dog off the leash. As it turns out there are two dachshunds who are identical at the park, which poses a problem. When it got to the part where Lola let the dog off the leash and it got lost and then they couldn't tell it apart from one another, "X-man covered his years and started saying, 'No, No, No!" really loudly. The librarian had to come over and reassure him that it's not scary. Except that it was -- to him. Even though he'd seen it a million times. Even though we had the freaking book.
Today, it was over going to Lego Club. We specifically made a play date with a friend to come over. We pick him up after school. Then the boys have snack and do their homework. Then they play for 25 minutes and then we leave.
I give the heads up at five minutes and then at two minutes. And then I expect them to get their shoes on to go. Yeah -- no.
X-man flipped his lid. "I'm locking the door and not coming down!"
I get it. You're suddenly having a good time in your room with your friend. Fine. BUT it's the last Lego club. Your friend's parents are picking him up there. And we gotta go.
The friend comes downstairs. "X-man got wild and hit me."
"What?"
I go upstairs. "I was mad at you and I wanted him to keep playing."
So tonight I reinstated the system we used when he was 4a nd an emotional mess. He gets an idea of what the range is 1-5. It's something I learned at the autism resource room when I was a student. You assign different levels to emotional responses. In our case a 5 obviously being hitting people/animals, a 4 is hitting inanimate objects, a 3 is shouting a 2 is whining or using a tone and a 1 is describing how he's feeling in big boy words. Clearly, we want a 1.
We also talked about how much he's been interrupting lately. He got out of this when I started the count to five system. I'd hold out my hand with a one and then as slowly or as quickly as I want, I'd let fingers raise to show that I know he's waiting and that he, too, will have a turn.
It worked at 4. I'm hoping it works at 6.
Then tonight, we read a book on tattling, because it's a problem in X-man's classroom. It was a book by Julia Cook who does those toddler books on "Teeth are Not for Biting," etc. X-man got four pages into it and saw that the boy's tongue turned purple and yellow and grew longer from tattling and freaked out. We had to close the book, and I had to go through a 20 minute conversation about how that doesn't really happen. It's made up. X-man got some books, read in his bed for 5 minutes and then came in my room claiming he was scared of the tattle tongue. I had taken the book out and put it in the library return bag in my car during the 5 minutes. He came in a second time, and I got down to the meat in it.
"You're not really worried about some random monster with a tattle tongue. You're worried that YOU'LL get the tattle tongue because you tattle, right?"
Tears welled up in his little yes. "Yes!"
Really? So we went over fiction and non-fiction. And he was still scared. And well, I was tired. So I took him back to his room and tucked him in. I gave him his Richard Scarry book that he likes to search for Goldbug in and told him it would comfort him. He was asleep 10 minutes later.
I'm feeling terribly incompetent right now as a parent. I'm also exhausted. Why is looking after 13 children who are three years younger than he is easier than facing the fact that I've fucked up my own? Oh wait -- there you have it.
Then at library time, his librarian showed the class Charlie and Lola. It's a video we own and that X-man has seen since he was 1. There's an episode where Lola and her friend, Lotta, agree to care for Sizzles the dog. And, of course, they break the owner's one rule about not letting the dog off the leash. As it turns out there are two dachshunds who are identical at the park, which poses a problem. When it got to the part where Lola let the dog off the leash and it got lost and then they couldn't tell it apart from one another, "X-man covered his years and started saying, 'No, No, No!" really loudly. The librarian had to come over and reassure him that it's not scary. Except that it was -- to him. Even though he'd seen it a million times. Even though we had the freaking book.
Today, it was over going to Lego Club. We specifically made a play date with a friend to come over. We pick him up after school. Then the boys have snack and do their homework. Then they play for 25 minutes and then we leave.
I give the heads up at five minutes and then at two minutes. And then I expect them to get their shoes on to go. Yeah -- no.
X-man flipped his lid. "I'm locking the door and not coming down!"
I get it. You're suddenly having a good time in your room with your friend. Fine. BUT it's the last Lego club. Your friend's parents are picking him up there. And we gotta go.
The friend comes downstairs. "X-man got wild and hit me."
"What?"
I go upstairs. "I was mad at you and I wanted him to keep playing."
So tonight I reinstated the system we used when he was 4a nd an emotional mess. He gets an idea of what the range is 1-5. It's something I learned at the autism resource room when I was a student. You assign different levels to emotional responses. In our case a 5 obviously being hitting people/animals, a 4 is hitting inanimate objects, a 3 is shouting a 2 is whining or using a tone and a 1 is describing how he's feeling in big boy words. Clearly, we want a 1.
We also talked about how much he's been interrupting lately. He got out of this when I started the count to five system. I'd hold out my hand with a one and then as slowly or as quickly as I want, I'd let fingers raise to show that I know he's waiting and that he, too, will have a turn.
It worked at 4. I'm hoping it works at 6.
Then tonight, we read a book on tattling, because it's a problem in X-man's classroom. It was a book by Julia Cook who does those toddler books on "Teeth are Not for Biting," etc. X-man got four pages into it and saw that the boy's tongue turned purple and yellow and grew longer from tattling and freaked out. We had to close the book, and I had to go through a 20 minute conversation about how that doesn't really happen. It's made up. X-man got some books, read in his bed for 5 minutes and then came in my room claiming he was scared of the tattle tongue. I had taken the book out and put it in the library return bag in my car during the 5 minutes. He came in a second time, and I got down to the meat in it.
"You're not really worried about some random monster with a tattle tongue. You're worried that YOU'LL get the tattle tongue because you tattle, right?"
Tears welled up in his little yes. "Yes!"
Really? So we went over fiction and non-fiction. And he was still scared. And well, I was tired. So I took him back to his room and tucked him in. I gave him his Richard Scarry book that he likes to search for Goldbug in and told him it would comfort him. He was asleep 10 minutes later.
I'm feeling terribly incompetent right now as a parent. I'm also exhausted. Why is looking after 13 children who are three years younger than he is easier than facing the fact that I've fucked up my own? Oh wait -- there you have it.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Hodge Podge of Parenting Bits
Today, I started really trying to teach X-man to tie his shoes. I bought a book with two different colored laces to help with the instruction. I keyed up the Youtube video of other kids showing how to tie shoes (a suggestion that worked for one of X's friends who didn't want his Mom to help him). I then offered to show him how to do it. And he grabbed the laces from me, told me to go away, that he didn't want to look at the pages and he didn't want to watch the video because it made him feel bad. He was going to figure it out by himself.
As you can guess, that didn't workout too well.
Then came the explosive, "I can't do it!" "The hole keeps leaving!" "Get away from me!" (whenever I tried to help him.)
So I left him screaming and crying at not being able to do something fabulously the first time he tried.
He tried two more times, with no success. Sighed. Cried. Sighed again and then said. "I'll try again tomorrow."
And, of course, after talking about how he's a freak about learning to tie his shoes, I have to say that we got a letter (as I'm sure all kindergarteners in Unit 4 got) about them creating a first grade gifted class at Doc Howard. MacTroll asked if we wanted to nominate him. I wasn't really keen on the idea. I was in a self-contained gifted program 7-12th grades. And really, it just incited a lot of "us" versus "them" mentality that wasn't healthy. We were "gifted" they were "regular." Or they were "honors" regular, but certainly they weren't "gifted."
As a grown up, that whole situation totally freaks me out. MacTroll and I agreed that even if he had a spot in a gifted program, we wouldn't be changing his schools. So what would be the point?
Now I'm going outside to set up the sprinkler and play in the sandbox.
Nine more freaking days of school. Thank goodness.
As you can guess, that didn't workout too well.
Then came the explosive, "I can't do it!" "The hole keeps leaving!" "Get away from me!" (whenever I tried to help him.)
So I left him screaming and crying at not being able to do something fabulously the first time he tried.
He tried two more times, with no success. Sighed. Cried. Sighed again and then said. "I'll try again tomorrow."
And, of course, after talking about how he's a freak about learning to tie his shoes, I have to say that we got a letter (as I'm sure all kindergarteners in Unit 4 got) about them creating a first grade gifted class at Doc Howard. MacTroll asked if we wanted to nominate him. I wasn't really keen on the idea. I was in a self-contained gifted program 7-12th grades. And really, it just incited a lot of "us" versus "them" mentality that wasn't healthy. We were "gifted" they were "regular." Or they were "honors" regular, but certainly they weren't "gifted."
As a grown up, that whole situation totally freaks me out. MacTroll and I agreed that even if he had a spot in a gifted program, we wouldn't be changing his schools. So what would be the point?
Now I'm going outside to set up the sprinkler and play in the sandbox.
Nine more freaking days of school. Thank goodness.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Patience Needed
I work in a room of 2-3 year olds. My job requires someone who has a natural amount of flexibility, a willingness to be adaptive and a whole hell of a lot of patience.
What I notice when I get home, is that I expect my almost 6 year old to have somehow learned to be more patient than my 2 year olds whining for more apple juice. (Have I ever not refilled their cup with their second cup of juice or water? No, so I always wonder why they're so worked up over needing more.) Anyway, it's the same as home. Today, after X-man's therapy appointment, he asked to stop at Sweet Indulgence.
We did, and he picked out a red fish cookie. Then we went over to Schnuck's where I filled up on fruits and vegetables and some breakfast essentials. Then we picked up Lily and went home. He was in the back of the car looking at his Shark V. Train library book that I took to read to my students last week. I was bringing in my school stuff, the groceries, the dog from the back of the car in what was at least four trips back and forth to the car.
He was in charge of his bookbag, his book and his iPod (all of which could fit in the book bag). But the little dude also apparently took off his shoes and found a sucker somewhere in the back of the car and ate it, so he had garbage and he started whining that his hands were full.
I ignored it, since I knew it was going to take multiple trips for me to my stuff out of the car. When I got Lily inside, I gave her fresh water, filled her dinner bowl, put a pencil on the kitchen table, put my school stuff by my desk, checked the messages and realized that X-man was still not in the house.
Sigh. I went back into the garage, where he was standing next to his side of the car with the door open looking bewildered. "What are you doing?" I asked going to the other side of the car to start carrying in groceries.
"I can't do EVERYTHING!"
"So take two trips."
And apparently that was the equivalent of me asking him to walk across the United States. The whining commenced...
"Why do I have to take care of all this stuff?"
"Because it belongs to you."
"But I have to do everything!"
"Yes, because YOU are responsible for yourself."
"It's not fair."
"Yes. It is."
"You don't have to do anything!"
"X-man, who washes your stinky clothes?"
"You do."
"Who washes the dishes so you can eat on them?"
"You do."
"Who wakes you up in the morning, feeds you breakfast and makes sure you get to school on time?"
"You do."
"Who signs you up for camps that you want to go to over the summer?"
Sigh. "You do."
"Should we continue?"
"No."
He took his bag inside. I'm pretty sure he left his shoes in the car. But at least he threw away his candy wrappers. He sat down and did his homework. Then we went over 55 sight words. He, for some reason, keeps forgetting here and good, which is funny because they're two words he had down pat last summer during our Dick and Jane love fest.
I guess what I wonder is if I'm so impatient with him because he's my kid. Or is it because I exercised a lot of patience with 13 smaller children today, so that I don't have any left when I get home. Or is it because it was 3:15 p.m. and I had some kind of sinus headache going on since about 8 a.m. this morning?
Either way, every conversation at transitions with him has always been some kind of arm wrestling fight, and it pushes my buttons in a nasty, nasty way.
What I notice when I get home, is that I expect my almost 6 year old to have somehow learned to be more patient than my 2 year olds whining for more apple juice. (Have I ever not refilled their cup with their second cup of juice or water? No, so I always wonder why they're so worked up over needing more.) Anyway, it's the same as home. Today, after X-man's therapy appointment, he asked to stop at Sweet Indulgence.
We did, and he picked out a red fish cookie. Then we went over to Schnuck's where I filled up on fruits and vegetables and some breakfast essentials. Then we picked up Lily and went home. He was in the back of the car looking at his Shark V. Train library book that I took to read to my students last week. I was bringing in my school stuff, the groceries, the dog from the back of the car in what was at least four trips back and forth to the car.
He was in charge of his bookbag, his book and his iPod (all of which could fit in the book bag). But the little dude also apparently took off his shoes and found a sucker somewhere in the back of the car and ate it, so he had garbage and he started whining that his hands were full.
I ignored it, since I knew it was going to take multiple trips for me to my stuff out of the car. When I got Lily inside, I gave her fresh water, filled her dinner bowl, put a pencil on the kitchen table, put my school stuff by my desk, checked the messages and realized that X-man was still not in the house.
Sigh. I went back into the garage, where he was standing next to his side of the car with the door open looking bewildered. "What are you doing?" I asked going to the other side of the car to start carrying in groceries.
"I can't do EVERYTHING!"
"So take two trips."
And apparently that was the equivalent of me asking him to walk across the United States. The whining commenced...
"Why do I have to take care of all this stuff?"
"Because it belongs to you."
"But I have to do everything!"
"Yes, because YOU are responsible for yourself."
"It's not fair."
"Yes. It is."
"You don't have to do anything!"
"X-man, who washes your stinky clothes?"
"You do."
"Who washes the dishes so you can eat on them?"
"You do."
"Who wakes you up in the morning, feeds you breakfast and makes sure you get to school on time?"
"You do."
"Who signs you up for camps that you want to go to over the summer?"
Sigh. "You do."
"Should we continue?"
"No."
He took his bag inside. I'm pretty sure he left his shoes in the car. But at least he threw away his candy wrappers. He sat down and did his homework. Then we went over 55 sight words. He, for some reason, keeps forgetting here and good, which is funny because they're two words he had down pat last summer during our Dick and Jane love fest.
I guess what I wonder is if I'm so impatient with him because he's my kid. Or is it because I exercised a lot of patience with 13 smaller children today, so that I don't have any left when I get home. Or is it because it was 3:15 p.m. and I had some kind of sinus headache going on since about 8 a.m. this morning?
Either way, every conversation at transitions with him has always been some kind of arm wrestling fight, and it pushes my buttons in a nasty, nasty way.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Teachers Who Get Kids
On Friday, I got a holiday gift and a note from a parent. The gift was lovely. But the note nearly put me in tears. Then today, I got another gift from a parent... with a giant hug to go along with it and a teary thank you.
I can't tell you the specifics, but what I can tell you is that those two moments gave my mood a giant boost. I have extraordinary worries about my son. Because I want him to feel safe and loved. I want him to have friends that he knows how to communicate with and I don't want his life to be spent, like mine, worried that he's never good enough. I see the traits of my entire childhood coming out in him, and I know the personal beatings that come with it. It's his issue, and it was my issue. In many ways, it still is.
So, like these mothers, I feel a giant sense of relief that he has people in his life that "get" him and support him, and don't think he's some demon spawn from hell the they wish they never had in their classes. I feel a giant sense of relief when they are clearly a partner in trying to help him help himself and are good at guiding him to be the best little person he can be. I like that they see strong traits of leadership, kindness and a want to do well and be successful. It means the world to me that they don't think I'm failing him. Because sometimes, when you have a child who has some issues, you feel like you're standing alone. Like you're a family of lepers or something...
I voiced this one day to one of the staff at X-man's school. He smiled and said he knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. He had it with his son, too.
Tonight at the Rec Center, I walked up to Ms. Sabrina, X-man's favorite staffer. He had given her a holiday gift at Lego Club. And I didn't want to say it in front of him, so I went back later, ran 4 miles and then let her know, that I was so happy he found her. Because he knows that she understands him. She's a safe person for him to go to who takes the time to figure out the bigger thoughts in his head. Teachers like that don't come by every day. And like his kindergarten teacher, they're all trying to support him and teach him to respect the boundaries.
One of the other socialization problems that I'm noticing has also been highlighted by four different parents that I've met of grown single children. "X-man doesn't have sibling to show him the social ropes regarding cruelty. (Yes, siblings can also be VERY loving and kind.) He enters situations expecting everyone to be fair and honest. And he's shocked and frustrated when those kids aren't honorable... and if they're not, why does he need to be?"
It's put a lot of perspective on some of the conversations he's having with me lately about not fitting in at school and not having friends. He's very social and outgoing. But he's also very bossy and wants everyone to live by his rules. :-)
So, you know, he's 5. :-)
I can't tell you the specifics, but what I can tell you is that those two moments gave my mood a giant boost. I have extraordinary worries about my son. Because I want him to feel safe and loved. I want him to have friends that he knows how to communicate with and I don't want his life to be spent, like mine, worried that he's never good enough. I see the traits of my entire childhood coming out in him, and I know the personal beatings that come with it. It's his issue, and it was my issue. In many ways, it still is.
So, like these mothers, I feel a giant sense of relief that he has people in his life that "get" him and support him, and don't think he's some demon spawn from hell the they wish they never had in their classes. I feel a giant sense of relief when they are clearly a partner in trying to help him help himself and are good at guiding him to be the best little person he can be. I like that they see strong traits of leadership, kindness and a want to do well and be successful. It means the world to me that they don't think I'm failing him. Because sometimes, when you have a child who has some issues, you feel like you're standing alone. Like you're a family of lepers or something...
I voiced this one day to one of the staff at X-man's school. He smiled and said he knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. He had it with his son, too.
Tonight at the Rec Center, I walked up to Ms. Sabrina, X-man's favorite staffer. He had given her a holiday gift at Lego Club. And I didn't want to say it in front of him, so I went back later, ran 4 miles and then let her know, that I was so happy he found her. Because he knows that she understands him. She's a safe person for him to go to who takes the time to figure out the bigger thoughts in his head. Teachers like that don't come by every day. And like his kindergarten teacher, they're all trying to support him and teach him to respect the boundaries.
One of the other socialization problems that I'm noticing has also been highlighted by four different parents that I've met of grown single children. "X-man doesn't have sibling to show him the social ropes regarding cruelty. (Yes, siblings can also be VERY loving and kind.) He enters situations expecting everyone to be fair and honest. And he's shocked and frustrated when those kids aren't honorable... and if they're not, why does he need to be?"
It's put a lot of perspective on some of the conversations he's having with me lately about not fitting in at school and not having friends. He's very social and outgoing. But he's also very bossy and wants everyone to live by his rules. :-)
So, you know, he's 5. :-)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Teacher Fight! Teacher Fight!
Yesterday, I drove to Kankakee for an all-day early education training seminar. It was the first one I had gone to that wasn't held at my school. The first session was on Behavior Management in the classroom. There were a wealth of early educators there from a variety of programs (in-home care, which I guess is now called family care, private all day day cares, faith-based care centers and a private kindergarten). Most of them were from the Chicago suburbs and I was the only one from the central part of the state and the only one from a "community organization" pre-school.
Discipline in the classroom varied widely. All the pre-k teachers talked about the individual needs of the child and how to best encourage and support children. The K teachers in that group all talked about needing to have equal standards in the classrooms and how unfair it is to have disciplinary policy based on different standards for different kids.
They were not moved by the pre-k special education speaker's discussion about different learning abilities, the need for some kids to move or her argument that when an altercation happens, you first pay all of the attention to the victim. They also didn't appreciate that she thought their public charting system of behavior was a public form of shaming the child.
Being a pretty low-key early childhood educator who always wonders if I should be more of a hard ass in the classroom and a parent of a kindergartner who literally saw a school room transform to try to meet the individual intellectual and behavior demands of the students who weren't succeeding -- I found it very uncomfortable to sit in between the two sections. I brought up X-man's classroom as an example of a kindergarten teacher who responded to the needs and changed her standards in order to support her students more. The kindergarten teachers who were there kind of huffed at me and said that I was lucky, because that's not how it's going to be once they get in first grade.
And I wanted to say, yes it is, because we have teachers and administrators who want children to succeed and understand that sometimes my way or the high way isn't the way to go. I haven't gotten a negative note home in weeks, and my child has stopped evaluating his days by how many checks he gets (he hasn't lost recess in over a month).
At parent/teacher conferences what impressed me most was his teacher's understanding with my child's intentions. That he wants to be one of the kids who gets awarded for good behavior, he has trouble with self-control, which makes sense because his executive function isn't all the way developed yet. There's still significant pruning going on there... and there will be until he's 20.
I could see both sides of the argument (because it definitely wasn't a discussion), but at the same time, as a teacher, I tended to side with the other pre-k folks.
The afternoon's session was all about nature and education. Research has shown that kids spend less than 1/2 percent of their time having free, unstructured play in the natural outdoors (without a playground). So, the seminar talked about ways to increase interactions with nature at your center. It was a lot of fun, and I really liked the speakers.
So, that was my working Saturday. :-) When we got home we went to the neighbor's for a birthday party and then down the road to drop X-man off at the Savoy Recreation Center for date night, while MacTroll and I came home and did the annual cleaning out of toys in the basement. I tried to do this with X-man last year, but it was a long negotiation, and in the end, he would only give up one thing. Then I went through the house, filled up the back of my car and took it to Goodwill, and in a year, he's only noticed that one thing has gone missing. So, um, this year, I did the shitty parent thing and just didn't ask and started cleaning things out.
Okay, time to run in the stupid wind. At least it's warm outside!
Discipline in the classroom varied widely. All the pre-k teachers talked about the individual needs of the child and how to best encourage and support children. The K teachers in that group all talked about needing to have equal standards in the classrooms and how unfair it is to have disciplinary policy based on different standards for different kids.
They were not moved by the pre-k special education speaker's discussion about different learning abilities, the need for some kids to move or her argument that when an altercation happens, you first pay all of the attention to the victim. They also didn't appreciate that she thought their public charting system of behavior was a public form of shaming the child.
Being a pretty low-key early childhood educator who always wonders if I should be more of a hard ass in the classroom and a parent of a kindergartner who literally saw a school room transform to try to meet the individual intellectual and behavior demands of the students who weren't succeeding -- I found it very uncomfortable to sit in between the two sections. I brought up X-man's classroom as an example of a kindergarten teacher who responded to the needs and changed her standards in order to support her students more. The kindergarten teachers who were there kind of huffed at me and said that I was lucky, because that's not how it's going to be once they get in first grade.
And I wanted to say, yes it is, because we have teachers and administrators who want children to succeed and understand that sometimes my way or the high way isn't the way to go. I haven't gotten a negative note home in weeks, and my child has stopped evaluating his days by how many checks he gets (he hasn't lost recess in over a month).
At parent/teacher conferences what impressed me most was his teacher's understanding with my child's intentions. That he wants to be one of the kids who gets awarded for good behavior, he has trouble with self-control, which makes sense because his executive function isn't all the way developed yet. There's still significant pruning going on there... and there will be until he's 20.
I could see both sides of the argument (because it definitely wasn't a discussion), but at the same time, as a teacher, I tended to side with the other pre-k folks.
The afternoon's session was all about nature and education. Research has shown that kids spend less than 1/2 percent of their time having free, unstructured play in the natural outdoors (without a playground). So, the seminar talked about ways to increase interactions with nature at your center. It was a lot of fun, and I really liked the speakers.
So, that was my working Saturday. :-) When we got home we went to the neighbor's for a birthday party and then down the road to drop X-man off at the Savoy Recreation Center for date night, while MacTroll and I came home and did the annual cleaning out of toys in the basement. I tried to do this with X-man last year, but it was a long negotiation, and in the end, he would only give up one thing. Then I went through the house, filled up the back of my car and took it to Goodwill, and in a year, he's only noticed that one thing has gone missing. So, um, this year, I did the shitty parent thing and just didn't ask and started cleaning things out.
Okay, time to run in the stupid wind. At least it's warm outside!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...
I know I only had 20 readers out there, and I'm sure that taking a 3-week break that was both sudden and unexpected seemed rude, but it couldn't really be avoided. I needed something, and in a lot of ways, I found it.
In a giant axe on social media I stopped blogging. I also fell off of the Facebook wagon. I'd been doing daily updates there, sometimes multiple updates, since 2007, when I taught at Millikin. And although I understand and totally believe that I have been able to maintain and even rekindle friendships that I haven't had in years with people that I've always felt very positive about. I also felt like I was doing most of my relating through a computer rather than in person. And it annoyed me. I also wanted to see how much time I'd free up and how much more sleeping I'd do if I wasn't just meandering around Facebook (and Foursquare) during my down time.
The truth is, I'm probably much better off Facebook. You have no idea how many times in the last few weeks something has happened that I boiled down to a 15-word update. My life shouldn't be boiled down. In addition, it was also hard to realize that some things are better to just keep to yourself. This applied with both good and bad things. So, the decision is still out about whether I'll ever go back to Facebook or check-in again on Foursquare. Right now I've removed both from my phone and iPad. But I also realized that I kind of missed my blog. It let's me process things, and although I tried to write in a journal about them, I'm a much faster typer than I am writer any more. And I wanted to save that paper for elements that I can't put in a public forum. Stuff that I'm still cooking in my brain.
So, what's been going through my mind lately?
First and foremost, work. I've been working a lot. I'm getting ready for my first section of parent/teacher conferences and that takes a lot of prep work. We're hiring teachers at MMO, but not having much luck attracting folks. We only pay $9.65 an hour, but the work is great for a student or a working parent. You can choose 5 days, 2 or 3 days or to sub. You need to have an interest in early childhood education and development, the college credits to back that up (6 credits to sub, more to be a teacher) and you have to be reliable, punctual and patient. On the flip side, I've never ever worked with more wonderful people. They're kind, flexible and totally invested in the students and their families. It's really the best job, I've ever had, in a lot of different ways. I know it's hard to justify working somewhere that requires educational background when you can make more money working for Schnuck's, but it's a non-profit pre-school. We work with babies... and it's amazing to watch them transform.
Second, I got my walking cast off. I've been on a few walks for exercise, but MacTroll's been gone and the two hours I have to myself have been eaten up by filling out P/T evaluations for work. So I'm not back on the fitness wagon. But I have some personal trainings sessions to use with Kari Gardiner starting after Thanksgiving. So, hopefully I'll get my body back into it before too long.
Third, I start back at Weight Management in the weight loss phase on Thursday. That means I'm in their box. I can eat all kinds of fruits and vegetables on my own but my protein and carbs are controlled, but if I turn you down to eat out or come to a party, don't think it's because of you. It's totally a thing for me. I'm doing this for the next 12 weeks. That's a lot of holiday crap to avoid. Plus, I've been a vegetarian for almost 3 weeks. It's going well.
Fourth, I'm ready for 2011 to be over. I'd like to start over with some new positivity. I had a very good friend lose her mother and her twins (a boy and a girl) during birth this week. My heart goes out to her because as difficult as I found the pregnancy/labor/delivery part of motherhood... I still got to take my baby home. She had to say goodbye at the hospital. You're supposed to leave with a baby, something that makes all that trauma and body change worthwhile. So many people say goodbye at hospitals, that I think they firmly need to have more hellos to balance out the sadness in the rest of the building.
Fifth, one of the realities of motherhood is that you just can't be friends with someone who appears to not like your child, but does appear to like you. On the flip side, I'm totally willing to put up with an annoying parent if my child is in love with his/her child. Oh, and if someone gives you one of those Boo things on Halloween, please put the stupid ghost on your door. Because you can be sure that the child who handpicked who he wanted to give them to will ask his mother to drive by your house every day until Halloween asking why they didn't put up the ghost to show that they got your gift -- that my five year old picked out and did his "secret" drop off in the pouring rain because he took it to heart that there was a time deadline and wanted to give your child something special. It makes him feel like you don't like him -- even though it's a secret gift and you have no idea it came from him.
Sixth, I do not believe my child is ideal. He's human. He's totally too rough and tumble. He sees things still from his own perspective. He's impatient and often annoying. But he's also kind and gentle. He's also giving and generous. He's as smart as he is not. He's as manic as he is calm. He's walking a line that's different from other children, just like other children are different from him. I'm very happy that he has a teacher and administrators at school who understand that. His 60-day observation came back that he was just like a normal kindergartener. (Hooray.)
Seventh, I've been hearing a lot of "blame the teacher" lately around parentland. I was raised by a teacher. I know better than that. Everyone is doing the best they can. The point is that parents and teachers are supposed to be a team -- like on the same team. You work together for the benefit of a child. You put your adult-sized panties on and stop whining and get in there and dig. And most of all you have patience and a good sense of humor mixed with some optimism. Each teacher has different strengths and weaknesses. And each year you have to get used to a new one, just as that teacher has to get used to your child. It'll be okay. Just breathe -- and for shit sake stop talking bad about people behind their backs. Particularly to other parents. If you're frustrated, talk to your teacher. Don't talk around your teacher.
Eighth, being on the Savoy Rotary rocks. Anyone want to come and visit with me at lunch one day as a potential future member? We do service projects once a month for 2-4 hours. And we meet each Thursday at the Windsor of Savoy for lunch at noon. It's a great way to make connections inside the Savoy community if you want to connect to businesses and residents. And it's small (only 30 of us), so you will get to know everyone.
Nineth, it pretty much looks like we'll put our house up for sale in February 2013. You got that right, in 15 months. We'll see how long it takes. I've had friends going on taking two years to sell their homes now. Hopefully, there will be a good buyer out there somewhere when we need them.
Tenth, I'm sick today. I had a fever on/off all last night. So I thought I'd take the day off and rest. Except that my cat Clawdio cried out this morning at 6:30 a.m. ran out from under my bed, opened his mouth and let out a bunch of saliva and had some clear fluid run out of his eyes and then he started panting like mad. I rushed him to the emergency vet. He still had labored breathing and his temperature was low. They transferred him to Dr. Mary at All Creatures at 8 a.m. I haven't heard anything yet. He's 14 years old with cardiomyopathy, pancreatitis and feline herpes. He lost his best friend, Nyssa, not long ago. And I know that's what old people do... they lose their loved ones and then end up passing a couple months later. But he's my cat. He's supposed to live to be 23 and be cranky and not like anyone else but me.
And that's what you missed that I'm willing to write about right now.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Deciphering X-man
X-man got in a heap of trouble on Tuesday when he came home with his second note from his teacher regarding his behavior. We'd had a heart-to-haert after the first note, and he promised he would improve his behavior. Specifically, he's having issues listening, talking back, keeping his hands to himself and being respectful.
Since this was the second note, I took him to the couch and I sat down with him. I had my note pad and pen in hand. This was gonna be tough, but I wrote out the four problem areas, and then I wrote down the consequences for getting in trouble for them.
For a note about not listening: He loses Legos for a week.
For a note about talking back: He loses computer/television for a week.
For a note about hitting or touching other people inappropriately: He loses playdates for a week.
For a note about not respecting his teacher or any other adult: He goes straight to his room after school. He eats there by himself.
Since the note he got on Tuesday said he'd done all four things... he threw a fit. It was expected. We were supposed to have a playdate with Lighting McColin that night, and it got revoked. In response, he went to the garage and tried to drive there himself. (I had the keys in the kitchen... no worries.) While he was flipping his lid in my garage. I was upstairs packing up the Legos and locking them in the guest room.
Once he calmed down and went to his room, he kept coming out to try and talk to me. I explained that not being able to talk to me was part of the consequences. He looked sad and said, "Mommy, I don't want to have to stay in my room again."
Well, good. Let's hope you figure out the cause and effect then.
But at the same time, in my brain, I keep repeating all the times he can't sit still. The month he was pulling apart his socks during nap time at school because he w s bored on his cot last April in pre-school. The habit ended when it became sandal season and socks were unnecessary. But he's pulled apart two pairs of socks just this week.
So, as a clueless parent looking for help... I e-mailed the school psychologist. He's offered to do some observations and talk with X-man's teacher. And I'm grateful.
Regardless if my child is bored or inattentive or hyperactive or whatever -- I'm feeling that phantom umbilical cord. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. The one that totally exists no matter how old your child gets. The one that says, "Is this where I let my kid stand on his own?" or "Is there something here besides him making bad decisions? Maybe he needs something more than I can decipher on my own? How can I best help him while trying to help him be independent?"
Regardless, when my child gets in trouble at school, it feels like a personal reflection on my parenting skill. I know he's his own person and he makes his own decisions. But at the same time, when it comes to not being kind -- that worries me. What could I do differently? Better?
I'm not by nature a helicopter parent. I don't baby my kid. But I do, on occasion, spoil him.
It hurt. Those self thoughts that I had about my parenting skills. And I wonder, if this continues on throughout his school career, if I will feel forever defined by my role as his mother. His failures aren't supposed to be my failures, and yet, it feels that they are. And better yet, how do I make sure that even though I feel that way...that he never does?
Since this was the second note, I took him to the couch and I sat down with him. I had my note pad and pen in hand. This was gonna be tough, but I wrote out the four problem areas, and then I wrote down the consequences for getting in trouble for them.
For a note about not listening: He loses Legos for a week.
For a note about talking back: He loses computer/television for a week.
For a note about hitting or touching other people inappropriately: He loses playdates for a week.
For a note about not respecting his teacher or any other adult: He goes straight to his room after school. He eats there by himself.
Since the note he got on Tuesday said he'd done all four things... he threw a fit. It was expected. We were supposed to have a playdate with Lighting McColin that night, and it got revoked. In response, he went to the garage and tried to drive there himself. (I had the keys in the kitchen... no worries.) While he was flipping his lid in my garage. I was upstairs packing up the Legos and locking them in the guest room.
Once he calmed down and went to his room, he kept coming out to try and talk to me. I explained that not being able to talk to me was part of the consequences. He looked sad and said, "Mommy, I don't want to have to stay in my room again."
Well, good. Let's hope you figure out the cause and effect then.
But at the same time, in my brain, I keep repeating all the times he can't sit still. The month he was pulling apart his socks during nap time at school because he w s bored on his cot last April in pre-school. The habit ended when it became sandal season and socks were unnecessary. But he's pulled apart two pairs of socks just this week.
So, as a clueless parent looking for help... I e-mailed the school psychologist. He's offered to do some observations and talk with X-man's teacher. And I'm grateful.
Regardless if my child is bored or inattentive or hyperactive or whatever -- I'm feeling that phantom umbilical cord. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. The one that totally exists no matter how old your child gets. The one that says, "Is this where I let my kid stand on his own?" or "Is there something here besides him making bad decisions? Maybe he needs something more than I can decipher on my own? How can I best help him while trying to help him be independent?"
Regardless, when my child gets in trouble at school, it feels like a personal reflection on my parenting skill. I know he's his own person and he makes his own decisions. But at the same time, when it comes to not being kind -- that worries me. What could I do differently? Better?
I'm not by nature a helicopter parent. I don't baby my kid. But I do, on occasion, spoil him.
It hurt. Those self thoughts that I had about my parenting skills. And I wonder, if this continues on throughout his school career, if I will feel forever defined by my role as his mother. His failures aren't supposed to be my failures, and yet, it feels that they are. And better yet, how do I make sure that even though I feel that way...that he never does?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
No Recess
So tonight, during bedtime, X-man fessed up that he spent recess with his head down on a table in his classroom -- for making a series of bad choices. He earned three checks, he said, so he lost recess privilege. He said he wasn't alone, which doesn't make it any better.
Then he said, "I already have two checks for tomorrow."
I wondered how. "Did you misbehave while waiting for the bus?"
"Yes, but not too bad."
Sigh. Why can't he make good choices? What's a marvel is that he "forgets" what he did to get the checks.
MacTroll insists he was exactly this way. I never was. So I totally don't understand it. It makes me feel like a lousy parent.
Then he said, "I already have two checks for tomorrow."
I wondered how. "Did you misbehave while waiting for the bus?"
"Yes, but not too bad."
Sigh. Why can't he make good choices? What's a marvel is that he "forgets" what he did to get the checks.
MacTroll insists he was exactly this way. I never was. So I totally don't understand it. It makes me feel like a lousy parent.
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