Call and Answer

I'm starting to relearn how the natural progression of a relationship is supposed to be that you are yourself and then through chemistry and common interest and effort someone becomes your friend, but that doesn't mean he stays your friend. People come together and they grow apart. You can't go rushing after people and plan every outing and look at your friendships like a job. Sure, maintaining a relationship takes effort, but it shouldn't be strenuous work. It should not be one sided. And, often, how you see your role in a friendship is completely NOT how the friend sees it. Sometimes you just grow in different directions and lose sight of each other only to come back together years later. Sometimes you think the world of a person, but at that time your life is filled with turmoil or other chaos so you never get to know that friend like you wish you did. Sometimes you've been a complete asshole and that's why no one calls you or invites you to things. You may not even be aware of what you've done, and it's really hard to ask someone what is going on when you feel disconnected from everyone.

Sometimes you look around and realize that, as you are, the world isn't very much interested right now. It doesn't mean you're a terrible person and no one wants to be around you. It doesn't mean you should cut yourself off from everything. It just means that right now, at this moment, you find yourself without a person who knowingly rolls their eyes with you, understands your private jokes, knows what to do when you need someone just to listen and not try to solve everything or make recommendations. You're without that person who fundamentally gets -- you.

And some days, I think that you're the only person that can really understand you, and although people are often wonderful (although sometimes not) additions to our lives, we still live and die alone.

But that doesn't mean you stop trying to make connections. Connections are what making life worth living. I can't imagine not getting out there and trying. Can you?

Putting My Finger On It

When I was a kid there was a girl in my class who wanted to be my friend. She seemed nice and friendly, and so I agreed to go to her house to play. When I got there, I instantly felt uncomfortable. She wasn't bossing me around or picking on me or anything. It just became evident to me that I would rather have someone hang me upside down by my toes over shark infested waters than stay at her house a moment longer than I had to. And when my mother asked me why I was home early (I faked an illness to get out of a 2-hour playdate), I explained that the hair stood up on the back of my neck and that the sound of the girl's voice made me instantly annoyed. 

As I've grown older there are certain people I've had the same response to. As acquaintances at work or school, these people seem fine. But when put in a social situation with them, I try to politely back away slowly. Because once you dispense of the small talk variety you learn that someone is outright racist. Sometimes, it's because they make assumptions that you are like them and therefore must share the same values or religious ideologies, and then when you speak up and say you completely disagree with them there's this long awkward silence. And then usually some kind of poor humor (that is really just ridicule) starts pouring out from them. I call these people the "Cringe People."

I do not believe that we should only interact with people who are like ourselves. That's not how diversity in friendship works. I know many people who think very differently than I do and come from different backgrounds, and we cling to our friendships because of our differences. I know that there are some things that we will NEVER agree on, but we love each other and thrive off of our relationship anyway.

Cringe people, however, always give you the willies. You can get through being civil as long as serious conversation topics are never discussed. Or you mentally place yourself in Silent Land, and say nothing and let them babble. Then when you're safe, you call up your best friend and debrief to her, so someone you love and trust can tell you if you're crazy and rude or spot on.

In my case, my cringe people are usually overtly high maintenance and needy. They cling to any person who seems remotely independent and capable,  like some kind of parasite. They have poor self-esteem or people have always taken care of them in one way or another.  They don't want to get outside into the world of many, they want you to enter their Own Private Idaho. And as gently as you might try to remove them, in my middle-age, I've come to realize that you either walk on eggshells around them and hope they don't notice your presence, or once they cling to you, you cut them off and throw them as far as you can, get in your car and DRIVE AWAY like Godzilla is chasing you. 

Because, unfortunately, the straight to their face approach never works. They always come back for more. They're deep into the State of Denial looking for a lifeline. They enjoy being the victim, and no "hero type" will ever be good enough to rescue them. 

Seriously, Cringe People can drown AquaMan.