Putting My Finger On It

When I was a kid there was a girl in my class who wanted to be my friend. She seemed nice and friendly, and so I agreed to go to her house to play. When I got there, I instantly felt uncomfortable. She wasn't bossing me around or picking on me or anything. It just became evident to me that I would rather have someone hang me upside down by my toes over shark infested waters than stay at her house a moment longer than I had to. And when my mother asked me why I was home early (I faked an illness to get out of a 2-hour playdate), I explained that the hair stood up on the back of my neck and that the sound of the girl's voice made me instantly annoyed. 

As I've grown older there are certain people I've had the same response to. As acquaintances at work or school, these people seem fine. But when put in a social situation with them, I try to politely back away slowly. Because once you dispense of the small talk variety you learn that someone is outright racist. Sometimes, it's because they make assumptions that you are like them and therefore must share the same values or religious ideologies, and then when you speak up and say you completely disagree with them there's this long awkward silence. And then usually some kind of poor humor (that is really just ridicule) starts pouring out from them. I call these people the "Cringe People."

I do not believe that we should only interact with people who are like ourselves. That's not how diversity in friendship works. I know many people who think very differently than I do and come from different backgrounds, and we cling to our friendships because of our differences. I know that there are some things that we will NEVER agree on, but we love each other and thrive off of our relationship anyway.

Cringe people, however, always give you the willies. You can get through being civil as long as serious conversation topics are never discussed. Or you mentally place yourself in Silent Land, and say nothing and let them babble. Then when you're safe, you call up your best friend and debrief to her, so someone you love and trust can tell you if you're crazy and rude or spot on.

In my case, my cringe people are usually overtly high maintenance and needy. They cling to any person who seems remotely independent and capable,  like some kind of parasite. They have poor self-esteem or people have always taken care of them in one way or another.  They don't want to get outside into the world of many, they want you to enter their Own Private Idaho. And as gently as you might try to remove them, in my middle-age, I've come to realize that you either walk on eggshells around them and hope they don't notice your presence, or once they cling to you, you cut them off and throw them as far as you can, get in your car and DRIVE AWAY like Godzilla is chasing you. 

Because, unfortunately, the straight to their face approach never works. They always come back for more. They're deep into the State of Denial looking for a lifeline. They enjoy being the victim, and no "hero type" will ever be good enough to rescue them. 

Seriously, Cringe People can drown AquaMan.