The Freedom to Stand Still

Once upon a time I blogged on LiveJournal. Then I went to Xanga in 2005, since it seemed to be the only way to communicate with my mother. 

Xanga eventually went down the tubes when I established my Facebook account in fall of 2006. 

I don't think what I have to say is going to be any different than most of the other C-U area blogs I read (Carrie, Mrs. Chicken, LBOTP, Rayne, Just a Mom, Soy is the New Black, etc., you rock). 

But what I do realize is that certain parts of my brain and thought processes are getting bottled to the point of no return. When I think of this period of my life, my memories are going to be entirely made up of those I'm making with my 2-year-old son. I love all of the stuff we do together, but at the same time, I want him to grow up knowing that his mother has a sense of who she is outside of being a mother. And in that aspect, I'm failing in new and huge ways every day. 

For example, last fall, I finally decided what I wanted to do as a career, since working 60-plus hours a week as a PR/media person while being married to MacTroll, OS X superhero for the 21st century, doesn't exactly work when you have a child. It's the reason we moved away from the big city where we both had pretty demanding careers five years ago. 

Anyway, I applied to the the mega large university's graduate program to do Early Childhood Education. I picked it because when I called around to find out about the programs in the area, the person I talked to went on and on pressing the point that if admitted to the program I couldn't work because it was a full-time, day-time program. 

In response, I gave notice at my part-time job, wrote the six pages of essays, nagged my references,  studied my ass off for the GRE, took the Illinois teaching BASIC test and started saving money for tuition for fall of 2008. 

When I got my acceptance letter I was jubilant. Then I met with my mentors who handed me the list of required classes I needed to take. When I got my computer access to start working on my registration last week, I can't tell you how surprised I was that the full-time, day-time program I had chosen that works with traditional childcare hours required me to take evening classes three nights a week. 

Since Mighty MacTroll doesn't have a set schedule for saving the IT world, I was screwed. The university employee who told me about the program was shocked when I sent her the list of courses and the night-time requirements. She started to get into it with scheduling. Then she sent me to a faculty with some kind of authority... who basically told me that maybe I should defer and in a year my life could work with the schedule (for example: maybe I'll get divorced and he'll take the kid?) or I should conveniently transfer from the program I wanted to be in, to a program I didn't want to be in so I could have more daytime options. 

So, today I asked to withdraw entirely from the program. I just don't have from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. free every day to let the sucky large university set my schedule for me. And as the only parent with consistency right now, I'm not about to get gipped of 2 years of my only child's early years for educational snobbery. Seriously... 

Of course, I might have gotten a bit disappointed and depressed about it enough to schedule a beach vacation in Wisconsin for September with the money I saved. Sure, it's no Virgin Islands, but I'm a girl on a budget with a son who likes sand and a dog who likes water. Plus, MacTroll can still be on the grid with DSL versus on dial up from a mail station on St. John. 

To put my whining into perspective though, I have two friends going through divorce. My mom lost one of her students after he suffered an asthma attack at age 16. A friend with a fetus in utero (although she's due any moment now) with enlarged ventricles, sooo... boo hoo hoo, Looseyfur doesn't get to get a freaking second master's degree. 

That said, anyone have any ideas on what the hell I should do with my time while I'm taking some classes at Parkland part-time and figuring out an online program that might better suit my needs? I'm not a girl who sits still very well. On the other hand, my life is still dictated by my spouse's work schedule and my son.