It happened again today, and right now I want to shout out to the Seasoned and Should be Decorated Mom with the two boys in the luggage/backpack area of the ChampaignTarget around 10 a.m. today -- you are an awesome Mom. You are hardcore rockin' and I am going to remember you and your boys today for the next 50 years of X-man's life.
I was checking out the bikes in Target because it turns out that the difference between Quigs and me is about 3-4 inches of my long ass legs, so her free bike was a bit hard for me to pedal and I had to return it to the Quig family garage. Anyway, I was testing out the 26" hybrid frames when I looked across the store and saw a mom and her two boys picking out bags that roll either for a trip or for school.
The boys were ages 5 and 7 (roughly going into kindergarten and 2nd grade). The older boy picked out a blue wheelie one, instantly. The little brother picked out a pink one. His mother told him to put it back. He threw a fit because pink was, apparently, his favorite color.
The older brother tried to argue in favor of his brother (definite 2 kids against parent moment). Seasoned Mom calmly said, "He can't have that bag for two reasons. 1) It's too expensive, and 2) He changes his favorite color every day--and I want these bags to last-- and next year he's not going to want it.
I read into this because she knows what I know, and I'm pretty sure we both think it sucks -- that some pissy little cretan is gonna make fun of her son for having a pink bag at school and he's going to come home in tears and want a new one, so she's heading it off at the pass. Even though, I'm pretty sure she was fine with a boy having a pink bag cause she didn't make a fuss about it NOR did she do what I've heard other parents do, "Only girls can wear pink."
The response was the younger child screaming, "I HATE YOU."
That got my full attention. And it sent a shiver down my spine. I have always known that at some point my kid is going to say that to me. This kid said it with such anger and vengeance that it made my blood run cold.
Was she gonna snap? Was she going to cry? Would she spank him? Grab the fatty part of his arm and drag him from the store? Was she going to try to "reason" with him? Me, myself and I, the inquiring junior mom from Savoy wanted to know. How does one respond to this kind of denial, betrayal and disrespect -- in public with an audience, no less.
Seasoned Mom calmly put the bag back and told him to choose another one, so they could get moving. She didn't miss a beat. It was like it hadn't happened. She didn't flip out. Her lip didn't quiver. She didn't freak out that I was staring from across the aisle like a moron. Clearly, she had gone through such an act before (probably with kid number 1). It was like the kid hadn't taken a baseball bat to her heart.
Son number 2 stood for a while staring at the bags. Then he picked a bag like his brothers, and they carried them away.
In the parking lot, I wanted to run over and say, "Hey Seasoned Mom, You're awesome. Don't let the little ones grind you down. You taught me that I too can have patience and can mother through the worst of the words that are to come."
But instead, I just went to my car and put the seat down so I could take my new Schwinn road bike home (a couple of models are on sale).
Parenting is hard work. You have to have a schedule. You have to have no fear. And you have to be able to adapt to everything, because your kids don't give a shit about the schedule. You're the chef. The drill instructor. The savior. The teacher. The nurse. The therapist. The teacher. You're so much to your child that it's impossible to get it all right. -- Unless you don't even bother to show up (literally or figuratively) in the first place. But that's a different blog, altogether.
There are times when X-man is going to hate me. Sometimes I think he already does when he throws tantrums about going inside at night or having to wear a bike helmet or take a bath. He could so easily say those words.
But he doesn't. It's probably because he doesn't know them yet.
But pretty soon, I'll be that lady in Target.
Mark my words.
I just hope I have her poise and patience then, because I definitely don't have it now.
8 comments:
Gosh, yes. It is so hard, the hardest job out there. Thank you for sharing this lesson.
The Poo once told me she didn't like me anymore, that we weren't best friends.
Then SHE cried and apologized.
SO looking forward to the teen years.
Wow. It makes my heart break into a million little pieces to think of one of my kids saying those words to me--especially since I remember saying, or at least thinking, those words to my parents and really, REALLY meaning them at the time. :( I'm not sure how I'd react to that statement, but it sounds like Target mom handled it pretty well.
Here's to having it be a long, long time before our kids learn to say those words.
Thank you for this post. I was beating myself up this morning because some of the moms I know make it look so effortless and it feels like I really struggle with my kid all the time. I like what you said about having to adapt to everything. I'll have to remember that next time (probably in the next hour) when things aren't going as I planned.
Great post. Its amazing the lessons we learn from complete strangers. Some good lessons, some lessons in what NOT to do. I'm really glad the Target Mom didn't freak out about the Pink bag. I so wish I could encourage Bug to love pink and lilac. And whenever possible, I let the chips fall where they may. But Target Mom was probably right on about this one, its sad but true.
Oh, and Bug has started yelling at me when I say/do something he doesn't want - I don't like you, Mommy. I think this is the first step towards yelling, I hate you. And it actually isn't as bad as I thought. When they are young, in my "all-knowing" mommy mind, I can rationalize his statement, with "he's young, he's saying this over not getting a rice krispie, he's going to want a hug in 5 min".
But when he's 16 and I say "No, you cannot hang out, ride in car with, or go to a party with Joey McDruggy" and he screams, "I Hate You". I think I will not be able to rationalize it away as easily, it will hurt and I will worry that he really does mean it.
Mommy, QOE: Yes! I think this "...some of the moms I know make it look so effortless and it feels like I really struggle with my kid all the time" during almost all of the playdates/shopping trips/restaurant meals with my kids.
I need to go the healthy route and stop comparing my kids/family to every one else's. Particularly when I'm only seeing a fraction of their day.
I very vividly remember the day my two were being awful in a store (after I had said "no" to buying something) and an elderly woman, a complete stranger, came up to me and said, "You are a good mother." I wanted to hug her, mainly because I so did not feel like a good mom at that moment.
Now I do the same thing. I'll tell a complete stranger that she's doing a great job (if she is - it's not a blind compliment). It's so good to know that another person (most likely another mother) recognizes what you go through every day and gives you the thumbs up. And I'm not someone who normally goes up and talks to strangers.
JB said the dreaded words to me yesterday, as a matter of fact. I blogged about it this afternoon.
Honestly of all the things my kds say and do saying "I hate you" is one of the least stressful for me. Whenever one of them says it, I just look at them and say "I'm very sorry you feel that way because I love you a lot" and then move on.
TB figured out pretty quick that it didn't phase me and has recently been trying out "you are the meanest mom in the whole world" which doesn't bother me either so I tell him "really? If I'm the meanest mom IN THE WHOLE WORLD then I'll stop taking you to the pool and playgroups and planning vacations etc etc etc"
No matter what they say or what you feel, you can't let them know that it bothers you because they will use it against you forever. :(
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