Today was not a good morning. Last night was not a good night. If the level of jerkiness of a kid is a measurement of the mother's job performance, I've done the shittiest parenting job imaginable. The really sad part is that I also know that I'm also doing the best I can.
And, just like when I fall apart about other things in my life that I feel like I have no control over, there continues to be this feeling of dread. This feeling that something is wrong with me -- that I am fundamentally broken.
6 comments:
NOBODY can hurt your feelings and make you feel terrible like your own kid can....I guess because we direct it at ourselves as well.....
it is NOT you sweet pea....it's part of a kid being a little shit which is part of being a kid....
hide away and fall apart if you need to....it's o.k.....really o.k...I think every mother understands all too well....at least I do....
If it makes you feel better, I have a 2 1/2 yr old female devilchild, who has not stopped screaming since she was 18 months.
It's not that she screams; it's that she screams bloody murder all the time and refuses to cooperate. Case in point today she was in time-out 3 times before noon because the cereal was wrong, the breakfast casserolle was wrong, the swimdiaper was wrong, the swimsuit was wrong; hence, I literally wanted to punch a hole in the wall.
She stopped screaming and fell asleep after everyone left for the pool and she was too exhausted to carry on.
You are a great mom...you give that little boy so much love and attention, and so many cool experiences...I love reading your blog. We all have those days...truly. I once took my shoe off, threw it down the hallway and screamed "I quit!" at my kid...I told him he needed to call someone else to watch him because I wasn't gonna do it anymore....boy did I feel like an ass when he cried and apologized....but it was exactly how I felt at that moment. Parenting is at once the most rewarding and most difficult thing I have ever done....hang in there. And don't doubt yourself....you are not broken....your child is three ;)
I find three to be by far the most, ummm, *challenging* age so far. All the attitude and uncooperativeness and downright mean behavior that happens when a kid is three has been really hard for me to cope with (especially since there is another little person in our home who often bears the brunt of that meanness and who also mimics the attitude and actions). Throw in a spouse who's gone for extended periods of time (mine is not gone as often as MacTroll, but he's been gone a lot this year for our situation) and it's enough to really wear on you. I find myself counting down the minutes until D is home and then shoving the kids into his arms and running away, be it to my room, the coffee shop, or to the grocery store.
I agree with Angela that you're not broken. I think this is an all too common issue many mothers feel in our society. (I have my own theories on why that is that I won't get into there...) Know you're not alone. And you're doing a great job! I read about all the fantastic things you're doing with X-man and what a full, enriched existence you're providing him with, and I'm in awe. If there was a rockstar mom award, you would definitely win it in my book! :)
In my experience, Bubba is the ultimate jerk to the one who provides for him the most - me.
When we were with my parents this weekend, he was the model child. I was shocked at how incredibly well-behaved he was. Used his manners, never whined, listened and followed directions impeccably. As soon as we got home, he did a total 180 and did the exact opposite of everything I asked him to do.
I think three-year-olds just have a limit on how 'good' they can be in a certain period of time before their heads explode.
Motherhood is hard and we aren't all Mother Theresa. Be kind to yourself, we've all been in your shoes in one way or another. Love to you.
Post a Comment