I woke up this morning and was supposed to go to this lecture/practice session that a local doctor and social worker were holding on things you can do using your mind and body to combat depression. Since around the end of January through the first part of the warm season are always kind of hard for me (damn that seasonal distress crap), I thought I'd go.
I went. I stood in line. I saw people I knew from the community. I saw the acquaintance whose e-mail list I was on. And then two people back from the registration table in the line -- I freaked out and I left.
Instead, I went to the Dollar Store. I bought table clothes and plates and silverware and cups for the CARE holiday party. I bought X-man new potty rewards. And I sat in my car with my mylar balloons (to tie to my stroller so my friends can find me at the holiday parade tonight) thinking about myself and why I left, and what it was that sounded so good to make me want to go to the seminar that then, in the face of it, made me bail like the building was on fire.
I am extraordinarily self aware. And I know things in my head for a long time before I'll say anything about them and even longer before I'll act on them. Rogers is really knowledgeable about this part of me. I keep stuff to myself for a long, long, long time and then one day, I pick the right person and I let it out.
And there are words I've been saying to myself for months. But I'm fighting the change that will come as I accept that truth and actually move forward to change my behavior.
I have a figurative best friend that I lean on. She's there when I hurt. She's there when I'm bored. She's there when I'm happy. Everyone else has this friend too, but they somehow don't seem to consume as much time with her as I do... and even if they do -- their bodies seem to process her much, much better than mine does.
And I have to break up with this figurative friend. I have to rid myself of her the way you would a bad boyfriend or girlfriend. I have to realize she is not the constant in my life -- I am. But the hard part is that I have to see her several times a day. She's everywhere. But I have to look at her as if she's dangerous. I have to stare her down. And worse, even though I love her, I can't have her. But I also can't torture myself by measuring how much of her I consume in numbers and feeling guilty and shameful about it.
It turns out that counting of the calories is just as dangerous as counting of the WW points. I start to get more upset about the injustice that I'm made differently from other people rather than using my achievements as a way to reward myself for trying to take a step toward self-care. The truth is I know better. So rather than whining I just need to do it. End it. Let her go and hope that down the line, our break up pain goes away and it can turn into something more positive.
All I can do is write down my experiences with her in a list and try to fall in love with a new friend. I've already met him. He's much more demanding. He wants more of my time, and he works me into a frenzied sweat every time we're together. He levels out my moods just as well as she did, but my body feels awkward around him. His people are all lean and hardcore. I'm timid and soft. It's like I don't quite know if we go together or not. I enjoy his company, but it's just all so new.
Literal translation: I have to exchange my attachment to food for an attachment to exercise.
I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do this. I don't do well in group meetings. There's this huge part of me that wants to stand up and scream that it's not fair that I have this issue while plenty of regular-sized people can eat what they want, work out the same amount (or less than) I do and never have to worry about looking like I do.
So I've stopped the calorie count. I'm going to list my food at looseyeats.blogspot.com. But you're going to notice that the exercise there will start to be way more diverse. I'm going to have to kick my metabolism's butt for a while... while avoiding social situations with food and alcohol. That's not at all an easy thing to do during the holiday season, so I'm sticking with the mantra of everything in moderation...
But like most addictions, I'm expecting a long, ugly fight of withdrawal. So, if you see me out and about. Do me a favor. Don't be my dealer.
If you see me at an event with food and I pick up more than one brownie. Tell me to put it down. I don't care if I get mad. I don't care if I shout. Tell me, "For the love of your body, put the damn thing down."
And forgive me if I'm a complete crab. It'll get better -- in six weeks. And the three ways I've chosen to begin are this: No fast food. No alcohol. 60 minutes of exercise five days of the week.
Who was it that said -- If you don't take care of your body, where will you live?
7 comments:
You can do it.
Yes, you can.
Going through the same thing right now. This weather makes it much, much worse for me as well. Good luck!
i'm trying to break that friendship as well. her friendship came after firing my cleaning friend. Not sure which friend was worse for me though. YOU on the other hand are an amazing friend to have. :)
I so understand how hard it is to eat right, though my reasons are different. I understand the anger that other people can eat whatever they want. And honestly, that dumb meter gives me some of the same feelings you describe in calorie counting. For whatever it is worth, our issues may be different, but you are not alone. And please fly up to MI and take me with you to the gym!You have time, right?
Laura, maybe I could walk to Michigan? ;-)
My story: I counted carbs for a year in college and it drove me crazy. It made me overly obsessed with what I was putting in my mouth - and what the numbers on the scale said. It wasn't until I found a kind of exercise that I loved that I was able to lose weight (30 lbs). Enjoying exercise somehow made it easier for me to quit fast food cold turkey and make my diet more healthy. For example, pepperoni, peanut butter and hard liquor may be low in carbs - but that doesn't mean they're good for you!!
Awesome post good friend. I'm with you all the way. And you are on the right track. There is no magic method. Just keep talking to yourself and working through it. You are so strong, You will win.
And I promise to not be your dealer. No more Cookie Baking at your place!
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