Then in the middle of my beloved Metro section out comes the question: "So, um, are we going to get married?"
It wasn't really a proposal, but my mind turned upside down, and I stared only at the now non-sensical paragraph in front of me. I wasn't really surprised at the question. We had been together since July 1992. We had moved in together. We had joint bank accounts. We adopted a couple cats. We had furniture. But it was the whole word -- "marriage." It was tied to words like "wife" and "husband" and "anniversary." All words that I hate because of the the cultural assumptions that are tied to them that I believe are sexist, dangerous and just plain ugly.
My response, which was, I'm sure, not the one MacTroll had wanted was, "Can't we just be together without all that - mess?"
Silence.
"I guess I just always pictured myself married," he said quietly.
"Can I think about it?" I asked.
"Sure."
So I did. I thought and I thought and I shook my head with distaste. Marriage was about law and religion and all this other stuff that didn't really apply to us.
A couple weeks later it got brought up again. I said I needed more time.
"How much more time?"
"I want to live with you for at least another year before I give you an answer."
In January 2000, I decided that if we got married we could do it our way. None of this white dress, staring at the bride down the aisle stuff. No uncomfortable wedding showers or people in suits and ties. If we were going to get married it was going to be a big party -- and most of all, it was going to be a ceremony that celebrated the 8 years we were together before we got married. Because, damn it, you put 8 years in with someone, they count.
Sure, there will still be those people who only believe your relationship is validated once you sign that damn certificate, but they just don't get it -- the big picture of what is important.
Life is about connections and regardless of what you signed or pledged before whatever power that be you believe in -- you've met someone you want to spend part of your life with. Someone you can be vulnerable with and someone you can depend on (and vice versa). That doesn't happen every day. So when you find it, you need to hold onto it and work on it as hard and as long as you can. Because there are no guarantees -- and in case anyone hasn't noticed the idea of "forever" has gotten a lot shorter lately and with good reason.
People are forming relationships more out of mutual interest in one another (and much later in life) rather than because it's a societal institution and a check mark on a list called "A successful life."
In April 2000, I went to the Feminist Expo 2000 with my friend Heidi. We had to take an afternoon off of work to go. We drove up to Baltimore and saw Tyne Daly and Sharon Gless give their speeches. Then we broke up into small sessions. Would it be Mary Daly or bell hooks. Damn, that was a hard decision.
bell hooks was talking about love and damn it, I was a 21st century, 20-something with a big question on her hands...
So I stood up and asked how in the world can a feminist who is uncomfortable with how society treats and talks about marriage and assigns roles based on gender could I possibly ever feel comfortable with the reality, when the basic relationship vocabulary made me seriously uncomfortable.
She gave me an honest answer about negotiables and non-negotiables. Getting married to me was negotiable. Sharing a last name was a non-negotiable. Having a lot of people was a non-negotiable. Having traditional vows that made people promise a lot of stuff that they might want to do, but in reality probably wouldn't, was non-negotiable.
On the drive back to D.C. I talked with Heidi and made my list. Not surprising most of the stuff that was non-negotiable Joel didn't give a crap about either. :-) That always makes things easier--when you agree on the big picture stuff.
So, when I drove down Prospect Avenue today after making my $70 purchases from Target, my eyebrows furrowed when I read a billboard that said, "Married people make more money. Marriage Works" with large images of coins on a table. I gagged and turned up my Liz Phair.
In all of my stressing out about what I wanted our marriage to be about, it didn't even occur to me to think of capitalism as a point to get married. I mean, holy shit.
How is a relationship based on promises of greater financial success possibly a good advertisement for one of the most challenging and dynamic relationships that you'll ever have.
In my opinion, that stupid billboard is what is wrong with America's views of relationships. It represents exactly why so many marriages end up in divorce, which is not a sign of failure between the two people, but instead a sign of failure of our culture which promotes a completely materialistic view of "success" and an unrealistic approach to love. Love should be appreciated for all of its grandness and its pretty serious shortcomings.
(Someone remind me again what is so desperately wrong with being single? It's not like a plague. Seriously. Be happy single. Be happy in a committed relationship. Be happy however you live your life.)
And while I'm all worked up, remind me again, how not allowing people who are of the same gender to get married isn't discrimination? I've always been a little fuzzy on good and bad things and I tend to be "non-trad" according to my friends about things like this. But I'm still confused. If Ellen wants to marry Portia, why the hell does it matter to the rest of us? Can't we just say, "Rock on and good luck!" Like we do when any other couple that we purchased a $99 ricemaker for takes that plunge?
That sign really pissed me off.
12 comments:
There's another one on Neil that says something along the lines of "Kids of married parents do better in school" that pissed me off. Coming from divorced parents, I did very well in school, thank you.
And are we really supposed to guilt people to get/stay married because of their kids' grades? And what if it's an unhealthy, abusive relationship? Is it better for your child to see emotional or physical abuse rather than be in a single parent home?
Don't tell me how to raise my children. Don't tell me how to live with my partner. I call bullshit.
David and I had a lot of long discussions about "marriage" before we took the plunge, too. In particular, were we comfortable getting married when we knew so many of our friends couldn't because of the fact that their life partners were the same sex as them. I strongly advocated having a civil union (for legal purposes like power of attorney, child custody, etc), but he felt really strongly that the only way to change the system was from within, and after a lot of thinking and discussing we decided to get "married" although in a mostly non-traditional way. (I still wore the dress, and we had a "ceremony" but it was pretty different and awesome.)
The name thing was really hard for us, though. It was really important to David that our family have a common family name, so in the end I hyphenated, but it's a decision I still sometimes (really, a lot of times) feel was not right for me. But, both kids have my last name as their second middle name, and now Kieran thinks everyone in our families names are blankety-blank U-F. It cracks me up, and now David's talking about adding my last name as a second middle name for him, too.
I could seriously go on and on about this topic for a long time, and I'm pretty sure the next time I see that sign on Prospect I'll gag a little in my mouth and spew a "crazy" feminist rant towards my kids in the backseat. :)
And, randomness of randomness, I was at Fem Expo 2000, too!! And, I was in the bell hooks session, and I think I remember you asking that question! How crazy small is this world? (or, how crazy similar are we?)
LOL. It is a crazy small world. And shock of shocks, Loretta and Dana have the same feminist ideologies and somehow managed to marry men with the same more traditional wishes. :-)
See, we're never alone out there.
RF and I got married because we knew that we were having kids and the legal protection of the marriage for them was important to me. Should something go wrong, married people are treated better int he eyes in the court than people who just "shack up" Sad but true and it was important to me to do what it took to help my (then future) kids. The marriage was pretty unimportant otherwise. Like you, we already lived together, had joint accounts etc.
I also saw the billboard and thought "WTF, I certianly don't make more money than I did when I was single and I know a lot of people are the same way"
Quigs, I think the billboard about kids grades isn't about divorce so much as it is about "baby daddies" and multiple relationships resulting in multiple kids.
I think it's about both, Freak. I was once told that because my parents were divorced and didn't love me enough to stay together that XY and Z would be true about my behavior.
I was looked on with pity and as if I was somehow "beneath" other kids whose parents stayed together. Like because my parents couldn't work it out after being together for 20 years, I wouldn't amount to anything good either.
Morons.
Can we arm ourselves with cans of black spray-paint and make a midnight run to "correct" these billboards? ;-)
My grandfather, who now has beginning stages of dementia, felt the need to chat with me about having kids and not being married. He was a preacher for many, many years. He told me, about 9 months ago, that me not being married was bad for my kids. He basically told me that my kids would go to Hell if their parents weren't married. Wow. Of course I couldn't say much to him; the man is slowly losing his mind. I just looked the other way, balled my fists, and reminded him, that B and I were going to be getting married....one day.
When we got married, I wanted our wedding to be civil and non-religious. Unfortunatly, it didn't go as planned. But that's a story for a really long blog....it all makes my blood boil.
I am trying to think of WHY we even ended up getting married, I'm thinking it was more for my family- maybe to make my grandparents happy- is that wrong? Rowan was almost one and we wanted to get married, but not at all traditional- we wanted to have a fun day not a stressful put anyone in debt kind of day. It was casual and a blast and everyone had fun including us. I kept my last name and all of our kids names(well both) will be hyphenated my name- Mike's. We discussed both of us hyphenating so we all had the same and I think Mike would do it- but since he's an artist he wants to use his "real" name blah blah..:) but that's fine I prefer mine.
A little side note here but I am so annoyed that most of our family can't seem to remember that i kept my name except my mom and aunt I don't think anyone has addressed a letter to me correctly. I won't send it back or anything but it just bugs me- I think mike's mom is the worse- and she knows Rowan's is hyphenated, I don't see how they would think I would take his name but give Rowans mine? Do you get much of this? Is X-man's name hyphenated?
I saw that billboard today, too, and feel the same way as you (and apparently everybody else).
Before I met my husband, I figured I'd be single forever and I was very happy with that. About 3 months into our relationship, I knew I was going to marry Frank. We lived together for over a year before we "tied the knot". And, yes, we had a traditional wedding in a church (almost 12 years ago). It was important to Frank and, therefore, important to me. I hyphenated my last name but usually just go by Frank's last name.
And my parents divorced, too, and I did very well in school.
Rachel -- X-man only has my name. Had he been a girl, he would have had only MacTroll's last name.
We decided we'd leave it up to chance, since we didn't know what the gender was before he was born.
But yes, I have received my share of letters, mostly by older people (and my undergraduate university, who got an earful for changing my name). And like you, I got annoyed. Particularly when the announcements we sent out say that we kept our names. And X-man's announcement was clearly just my last name.
Mostly now that's the issue. They'll remember my name and MacTroll's but X-man will just be "X-man" on the envelope.
I think the one that makes me the most mad is when I get something addressed to Mrs. Mike C- like I don't even get my own first name!
Bingo. It's a Miss Manners tradition that needs to DIE. Cause a lot of people think it's just silly and rude, while others would be upset if you robbed them of the success of their marriage...
Like everyone else, I saw the billboard and was baffled. We don't make any more money being married than before.
At one point, my father said we weren't welcome in him home until we were married...you can imagine how well that sat with me. I think he still thinks that had something to do with us getting married...it didn't. We didn't get married until our daughter was 6yo and we had lived together for a while. We had a fabulous non-traditional wedding...readings from Broadway musicals, a rose ceremony, non-traditional vows. It was personal and great.
The legal act of being married is odd.
I and the kids are all hyphenated.
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